Day 9.

It’s 6pm here and I feel like I’ve actually achieved something today despite not getting dressed or leaving the house. I have gotten through another day without acting on my intrusive thoughts. Rob said to me earlier that I looked spaced out. It’s natural for me to immediately feel defensive at that kind of comment. I can’t help but view it as an accusation but he was right. I have felt a little dazed today.

After every relapse or slip that I have had,  I would have,  by now,  been unable to ignore the voice in my head telling me to leave the house and buy pills. I may not have gone through with actually buying any pills but I would already be walking past pharmacies,  torturing myself. I would already be waking up in the morning and devising a plan on how to persuade Rob to be ok with me taking Fable out. This morning I woke up and went back to sleep twice before being woken by Rob which rarely happens.

I’m still having unwanted, intrusive thoughts throughout the day but I’m able to let them go which still feels like a miracle to me. I have listened to music, gardened, written, read and played with the baby, all without the constant background noise whirring in my head, pleading with me to obey.

LEAVE THE HOUSE. 

NO! STFU. GO AWAY! 

*intrusive thought slinks away*

I find it really difficult to listen to music. I know that’s weird but bear with me while I try to explain.

When my brother was ill I stopped listening to music. Even shit music. Anything that could stir any kind of emotion was a no-go. I couldn’t risk feeling anything. It took me years to be able to listen to a whole song again and I still struggle with it.

I always know when I am doing well in recovery when I get the urge to listen to music. Old favourites that deliver that delicious dopamine hit and inspire euphoria. Today I revisited some of these..

“Wake Up”

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’.
Someone told me not to cry.But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.Children, wake up.
Hold your mistake up
before they turn the summer into dust.If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little gods causin’ rain storms,
turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am goin’ to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am goin’.
With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am go — goin’!

You better look out below!

I’ve also texted my AA sponsor today and another lady I met at AA without feeling like a burden or a nuisance.

Tomorrow I have a mammogram. Fun, fun. ;P

Rehab

Yesterday I went to see a rehab facility.  I spent a little time there and talked to one of the people in charge. He himself used to be an addict and used to be a patient there. It was a ok. There are only 7 bedrooms, a couple of small communal rooms and a big kitchen as well as staff facilities. Everything about it was welcoming. The only thing that really freaks me out is the average length treatment. It’s 3 to 6 months! I can’t imagine being apart from my baby and away from my home for that long. Even 3 months.

There are visiting times at weekends but still. If there’s one thing that will make me want to pack it in it will be homesickness and missing Fable. I feel trapped. I’m not against rehab, I know I need it and all of me wants to be better. Rob basically spelled it out to me – don’t go to rehab and lose your family and home anyway.

Ty’n Rodyn / Cais

 

 

Day 7. Storytime.

It is 1992. I am 14 years old and member of one of the most successful youth theatre groups in the UK. There is a fair amount of buzz about us. The previous year we had won an award and performed on the National Theatre of London. I was not part of the as I’d joined after the fact but I most certainly wanted a piece of it.

I’ve told you a little about acting throughout primary school and then that YT was my everything. I knew it was what I wanted to and be part of for the rest of my life, or at least until I could begin a family. I’d worked it all out in my head.

First of I would flourish at Drama school. Go swiftly from little to biggest fish. Get noticed at end of year performances by several top-level casting agents. I would be the ingenue of the theatre world. Destined for big things.

So YT was the stepping stone but one I absolutely loved.

Back to ’92 and I would spent a fair amount of time with our company director Reg∗ who was 36 and his girlfriend Sally∗ who was 19. They became a bit of a surrogate family to me. They knew my home life was the pits and took me under their wing. I kind of felt like their 2nd child. You see, Reg also had a little boy Teddy∗ who was about 6.

One Saturday night Sally was going away for the night. There was no issue about me hanging out at their house with Reg whilst she was away. After all I was this child of 14 that, as a couple, had been trying to provide me with at least short periods of stability. I loved being in their home. I feel safe. I loved their family life and the good company. I felt special and included. But , for some reason deep down, that fact the Sally was going away for the night excited me. I idolised Reg. I hung on his every word and thought him the wisest man in existence. I still live my life with much of his values although stopped thinking him an infallible man god, many MANY years ago. (More of that later…)

So here I am at Reg’s house on a Saturday night. Just us. His son is away too, at his mothers. I can’t recall there being any plan for me to go home.  This is how I remember the evening going; excuse me whilst I cringe in the corner here.

Reg and I were sat on the couch just pretending to watch some show or film. He was reading a paper I think and I had my head resting on his lap. I could try to tell you there was nothing unusual about that but it was unusual. I’d never done that before – with him.  My mind was racing but I’m sure it was wanted so I didn’t move. I just intensly watched the tv, not taking in a second of it.

He began to stroke my hair and I could feel what was happening having an effect on him. I turned over and we kissed.  I felt like we’d orchestrated the whole evening, with Sally and Teddy being away. I have the overconfidence of a young teenage girl who was kissing her YT leader and not being pushed away.

He got up to go to the bathroom and I quickly took off my bra and stuffed it in my bag.

When he didn’t come back downstairs I took that as sign to go upstairs and find him. I found him sitting on his bed. I began to walk in but he quickly stood up and begged me to stop. We kissed again. I was trying to persuade him. He used sentences like;

I’m us using all my will-power here!

This can’t happen.

I’m too old for you (Never you’re too young for me)

He never mentioned his family.

He made me go and sleep in his son’s bedroom for the night.

Please Kelly, you’re killing me here. I’m a weak man. Blad de blah.

I didn’t sleep a wink. I was fired up.

In the morning he made some breakfast and I decsended the stairs with the confidence of a much older woman. I wouldn’t even be a woman legally for 4 years.

Reg apologised for the night before and said it couldn’t happen again. I smirked at him and replied; ‘It’s inevitable’.

Later on he would tell me that was the moment he knew his was fucked.

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(to be continued)

Day 7. I got me a sponsor!

I went to AA this morning with some trepidation. I hadn’t drunk alcohol for this slip to happen so would I be discovered as a fraud. Banished to the dismal NA down the road?  I needn’t have worried. After the opening readings, a gentleman shared a really positive story of his history of AA. I won’t elaborate as it’s private but for much of it I was thinking – Why is he wanging on about his lovely weekend? I know that some shares take a while to get where they’re going, and I’ve never seen anyone share without at least one person in the room make a connection or taking away one good idea, but this guy – I just wasn’t getting it.

I usually have to build myself up to share at a meeting. I get horrible anxiety just before and fear I will lose my thread or go blank. I way overthink it. Anyway, after listening to this lovely fellow talk for a good 20 minutes, I jumped straight in!

My name’s Kelly and I’m an alcoholic.

Hi Kelly!!

Well, I’ve had a bitch of a week so rather than overthink it, I’m just going to start at the beginning of last week.

I didn’t hold back about the past week. I explained that I feel that pills are my main intrusive thought but that drinking in every way lowers my defenses. As it happened last week it didn’t happen that way round but I certainly thought about getting drunk in the immediate aftermath.  I spoke a bit about how my actions have impacted other peoples lives, especially my children being unable to visit at Easter and naturally Rob and mine’s relationship. I confessed that every group meeting I have been has left me in awe of the people who have gone a year/2/3/55/66 without taking a drink.

I didn’t speak for long but I had the most amazing response! The next guy to speak after me. An older guy, been coming to AA since he was 66 and now I think he’s in his 80s. He was having a bad day but he felt it been really important to see the contrast of the good and the bad. What he meant was hearing the benefit of 2 sides of life from opposite members. An old-timer and a newbie (me). It benefits us both.

As soon as we hit the break I was bombarded with hugs and stern advice. people begging me to choose a sponsor. I felt so put on the spot. The only lady there I’d really bonded with the lady who’d offered me her number previously . I asked her and she said Yes! As simple as that. Straight after the meeting she took me to her house up the road and gave me her own copy of the big book. She’s arranged to meet me at a weekend meeting and had given me a little homework.

I told her, it feels so alien and uncomfortable to have strangers that seem REALLY seem to care. I want to be a part of it more than anything right now. I had 2 more contact numbers from other women which was cool. A ton of hugs! So much kindness and understanding.

Despite the good day, I feel a bit low. Im feeling super sad about not seeing my older kids over Easter.

Day 6.

Rob and Fable came home yesterday. Things are strangely calm and pleasant. He stayed at his mums for 5 nights so I obviously the space was a good thing.

I feel weighed down by guilt and horror at once again decimating his trust. We were beginning to get things back but honestly, I wasn’t ok. I’m SO insistent on being fine, on making people see that I’m totally fine, on not burdening my loved ones with the nightmare that is my mind that whenever I have relapsed or slipped before it becomes my main objective to be fine. I need Rob to believe I am coping because I’m scared of what will happen if he realises how broken I really am. I may hint at it;

You’d be horrified if I wrote down how many times a day my mind goes to drink

And I erase the ‘and pills’ part because I’m too scared to admit to even myself how often and how much bigger it is that the drink. I know that I need to be more scared of how unbearable my life is and what I will lose if I don’t address it properly but that’s so much easier to damn say/write that actually do!

Today I am reading a book about a woman with OCD. I don’t have thoughts about germs, or my family dying but I do have obsessive thoughts about acquiring pills and alcohol. I do have the overwhelming compulsion to listen to my obsessive thoughts. It’s the nearest way of describing my addiction issues and the reason I fail over and over again.

It’s not fair, it really isn’t.  – moment of self-pity here – I’ve been fighting a losing battle. I look weak for succumbing but it’s takes mountains of strength to get through a day when your head is telling you to do something that will make you feel better but you know will ruin your life. But!!! Since I saw my doctor on Thursday and he told me his plan to email all the pharmacies in North Wales with a ban on serving me, I have at least continued to feel respite from acting out my compulsion. The obsessive thoughts are still there though nowhere near as frequent because my logical brain can hush them.

I have spent the weekend gardening, reading and playing with Fable which isn’t an unusual way to spend the weekend but it’s been 10000000x more enjoyable and relaxing because I can concentrate more.

I am not cured. I know that. I am scared that my stupid (genius) brain will figure out a way around these limitations or even chose to ignore them. Not that I will EVER put myself through the humiliation of attempting to buy otc meds knowing that I will be questioned and refused. No way! Shudder! But my brain might start shouting louder to just do it and then what? I am quietly confident that that wont happen. As soon as Rob cottoned on to the fact that I was ordering pills online and having them delivered to the house, he blocked the sites and is on high alert when the postman rings the doorbell. It had the immediate effect of frightening me away from that. Plus we no longer have any spare cash that used to enable me to make that kind of purchase. Buying pills online used to be the biggest obsessive thought by far. Then it wasn’t. I think that’s what will happened this time.

I’m still set on us buying a breathalyser. I need to be treated like a child, I really do. When it comes to this. I need to parented, just like my doctor did. It’s never been fair to expect Rob to do that. Nobody wants that in a relationship. It’s not very sexy is it?

My Auntie Meg just rang. I alluded to the idea that I’m having a hard time mentally right now. She’s nearly 90, she doesn’t need to know the ins and outs but she questioned why the kids weren’t up for Easter. She’s always so concerned about me in an overtly loving way, it makes me really emotional. Always checking that Rob is looking after me and being understanding. I told her that I’m difficult to live and tried to laugh it off but she didn’t laugh.  I wish I was with her right now.

 

Day 4 – It’s Oh So Quiet (inside my head and out).

A nightmare jolted me awake just as it was getting light. A social worker was yanking Fable from my arms, taking her away from me to be put into care. I couldn’t get back to sleep after that.

I find early morning to be the loneliest time of day. The house is too quiet without the baby here. We normally sleep with light music or a white noise app playing but I hadn’t bothered putting anything on so woke to silence.  I cried myself to sleep last night and cried again this morning. I miss my baby so much it’s a physical ache. Rob brought her over last night which was lovely. She was her usual gorgeous and delightful self. Seemingly unaware of the turmoil her parents are going through and thankfully, unaffected by the disruption of spending the past few nights at her Grandma’s house. This is not the first time Rob has left our home with Fable. After a full relapse in the late winter of 2015, he moved into his Dad’s with her for 6 weeks. Sonny was living with us then but he was staying at the residential part of his school for those weeks whilst I had a break. That was the first time I had had more than 10 days apart from Sonny his whole life. I was in desperate need of that break and I was able to visit him every day with the school only being a mile up the road.

It was good for Rob to be able to have space from me. The past few times this has happened we have been forced to stick it out under the same roof because his Dad didn’t have a spare bed anymore. He’s at his Mum’s house now which is small and impractical for a long stay. I have no idea when or if he plans to return any time soon but I’m not pushing him on it. It’s agony being apart from Fable but I understand he needs space from me. He’s being kind enough and supportive from a distance. That’s more than I deserve.

In AA on Monday a lady read out a poem which I’ve been thinking about a lot since. It’s kind of cheesy but it makes a strong point.

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I hate myself right now. I know I have an illness but I can not go on living with this person I have become. I have no respect for myself. I am full of self-loathing.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud. A year from now I want to be able to look back and feel pity for this person but know it’s in the past. I want to have faith in myself and for Rob to be able to trust me, to feel at peace in our relationship. Our bond is so fragile. Whatever love he feels for me is being rapidly erased. I can’t believe he even has any love for me left.

On a more positive note, after my lonely tears this morning I realised that the thought of buying pills had appeared but had been swiftly silenced without me thinking too much of it.  Leaving me able to feel my sorrow and just that. I was able to feel those feelings without being bombarded by the inner demand to buy pills.

Things aren’t easy right now. I am in turmoil over the state of my life and my relationships but… BUT I HAVE A QUIET MIND! I am able to think about Rob, about Fable and about my potential stay in rehab without the contact thrum of buy pills, buy pills, count your money, catch a bus, walk past a pharmacy, just do it, buy pills, BUY THEM. 

I have to admit, that realisation made me smile.

I am excited. I feel free.

I’m not sure I have ever been able to adequately express how hopeless I felt. I would be given the advice to try mediation or mindfulness to help. Lots of you have sent me useful links and Rob goes out of his way to research every thing connected with addiction and find me books and podcasts that I should read. All of this has been great but deep down, all I could think was that I just can’t take any of it on board. My mind won’t listen. The bad thoughts are too loud and overwhelming and reading about the same subject would just make them louder!  Over the past year I have spent literally 95% of my waking hours with the same obsessive, compulsive thought thrashing around inside my mind. Rob couldn’t understand why it appeared that he was more interested in trying to figure out addiction than me. He would see me fall asleep listening to some random comedy podcast or reading fiction novels and get frustrated that I wasn’t taking things seriously. I don’t know why but listening to or reading stuff about addiction, AA and mental health would just make the thoughts louder. I could glean a little respite by occupying my head with, what I call ‘fluff’ or ‘bubblegum’. The same kind of thing as scrolling on your iPhone through Instagram, Twitter etc. This sort of behaviour would be a red-flag to Rob though and he was right to feel on high-alert.  I may not have been secretly abusing substances but my head was constantly thinking about such taking actions, so he undoubtedly would feel those vibes.  I’ve been exhausting myself trying to convey a picture of someone who has things under control. A part of me felt resentful. It felt unfair that I was working so hard to not give in for him to be so suspicious all the time that I already had succumbed. If only he could really see that every hour I got through was an almighty win.

Anyway, who knows how this will alter our day-to-day lives. If stands by me once again and moves back in, I wonder how my newly acquired free frame of mind will alter my ability to take on information. Will he/we be able to see the difference?

I have also decided to purchase a home breathalyzer. I will test myself every morning and every evening. I am not putting the responsibility on him, I will be in charge of it. With these measures put in place I have hope that I can concentrate on recovery without distraction because I have not been able to do that so far and I truly believe that has been my downfall.

 

Day 3 – A weight off!

Thank you for the supportive messages. Everyone I’ve spoken to directly or reached out to electronically has been really decent. I woke up this morning and as per usual, my immediate waking thoughts were of acquiring pills and how I was going to be strong enough to cope with them and not give in to them. Then I remembered that I had no way to do that anymore and I can’t tell you what a difference to my day, to my existence, it’s made! I think maybe my GP that I saw yesterday is my higher power you guys!!!

I surrendered to him yesterday and he took control and took action. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so light! I have nowhere in the whole of North Wales where I can purchase otc meds!!!

I went into town early today as I had to catch a 10am bus to get to my 12pm therapy session. I had an hour and a half to kill in town. Before today that would be an anxiety-driven, tension-filled exercise in self-restraint. In drowning out the compulsive thoughts. I would wander past the 2 pharmacies in the high street, torturing myself. Wanting to be able to relax and potter about town. To be able to enjoy my surroundings and feel peaceful. Well, today I felt just that. I did walk past both pharmacies, it’s unavoidable really but I just smiled at myself and kept walking. The thought started to form in my head but was so quickly shut down by the fact that I am banned from buying anything, I was free to have other thoughts. It feels transformative. I feel like I’ve unlocked the key. Should I feel worried that the only reason I feel like this is because someone else has taken control? No, I don’t think so! It’s just the start. I only have enough strength to battle my compulsions for so long before it becomes too heavy a burden to bear and I slip up. The time between these slip-ups has gotten smaller and smaller. I needed someone else to take over! I couldn’t trust myself to stay sober indefinitely.

I had talks with my 3 big kids yesterday and man, I am so proud of them. They are loving and supportive. I almost want them to be angry and disappointed in me. They are sad of course, but I think the fact that they are kept in the loop. Nothing has been hidden from them this time – it’s goes a long way to helping them feel less fearful and in turn, less angry. More trusting.

Today’s therapy session was ok. I’m not sure what to say about this guy. He’s a good listener. He’s come up with some interesting thoughts that I might not have been able to verbalise but I’m not getting any good, practical advice on how to recover. Nothing that I haven’t worked out for myself a long time ago. He suggested mindfulness, exercise and reaching out to friends. All things that suggested – he just embellished a bit. I need to talk to Rob about how useful I’m finding this. It’s costing us a lot of money when I actually feel like attending a few more AA meetings or meditation/yoga classes might be more beneficial. I don’t want him to think I’m bailing out on getting help though so I’ll see what he thinks.

I met up with my friend Lesley after therapy and we had such a good chat. She knew about my alcohol problems but I’d never admitted anything more than that. There’s a taboo associated more to drugs that booze isn’t there? I’ve talked about it before. There’s an added layer of secrecy and shame involved. Anyway, I admitted everything and talked  A LOT over a couple of hours. It really was good to get it off my chest to her – a friend. She really listened to what I was trying to tell her. She fully admitted she didn’t have the answers but it was good to have someone tell me how difficult it all sounded. She didn’t judge me.

I know that I must keep this transparency going. That hiding my feelings, trying to contain them so not to burden anyone else, is one of my biggest downfalls. I may seem open in this blog but I can never usually talk to anyone in real life like I do here. I find it very, very difficult.

Rob is bringing Fable over shortly. I haven’t seen her since Monday which is torment. I don’t think he’s going to stay. He needs space but I am grateful that I get to see her.

Day 2. Starting again, again.

I slipped up. If that’s what it’s called? A slip? Relapse?

I fucked up and everything is falling apart. Rob has taken the baby to his mother’s. He says he can’t do it anymore. I had to tell my kid’s Dad because the Easter holidays are upon us and the kids aren’t allowed to be here if Rob isn’t here. The man lost his girlfriend less than a week ago and I had to lay more on his plate. More on my children’s plate. I hate myself.

The minute I was rumbled I took off and ended up hitch-hiking to the other side of the country. Regretting my actions as soon as I was there and desperately wanting to be home. It took me a day to get back. It caused so much anguish.

I am not in control of my world. My battle is constant and there is no respite. However… I have spoken to my doctor and with a local substance misuse charity and really felt listened to. I am seeking proper rehab. I am terrified.

Also my Doc has emailed every pharmacy in North Wales with my description and a ‘do not sell to’ warning. It’s humiliating but such a relief. I really think that having the option to give in to my compulsive thoughts removed from me will help. Obviously, it will help in terms of not being able to access any otc meds but more importantly to me, if it quietens this constant barrage of thoughts;

 Buy some pills. Buy them. Go on. Don’t forget. Do it. Just a packet. Just take a couple

..then I will find my day to day life much more peaceful. I’ve been scared to reveal how intolerable it is. If I wrote down on paper how many times a day these thoughts enter my head you wouldn’t believe it. My loved ones would be horrified.

I know recovery isn’t meant to be easy. I obviously need more help.

I am scared. I am ashamed but most of all, right now I miss my baby. I hope to see her tomorrow. If you read this tonight Rob, please consider letting me see her tomorrow.

 

Al-Anon – recovery for your loved ones.

It’s been a couple of days. Saturday’s blog entry wasn’t really in-depth so I feel like I’ve let things slide but I had a really nice, family weekend so I’m not going to beat myself up on it.

Yesterday was a full day. I find days like this much easier as boredom has always been a trigger for those unwelcome, compulsive thoughts. However, it didn’t start all that well. Rob is a night-owl. I tend to go to bed quite early because I get up with Fable. I was especially tired Sat night so went to bed at half past 9. I read a bit and listened to a podcast so probably didn’t fall asleep until half past 10. I never slept through the night. I wake to pee several times a night. It’s really frustrating! It can be anything from twice to 6 times depending on how much I’ve had to drink the day before and how often Fable or Rob stir. If I’m woken by them, I can never just go back to sleep. I have to get up and go to the toilet. I might not be desperate to go but the thought entered my head and unless I try, it worms its way in and keeps me awake.  So, even if I have gone to bed early, I can rarely say I’m well-rested. Sun morning Fable woke around 7.30am, I got her some warm milk and  got her out of her cot. We let her roam around the bedroom, playing with her toys quietly whilst we doze. Usually, after an hour of this, I get up and take her into the living room so Rob can get more sleep in peace. Yesterday morning I struggled to wake up. She was fine but Rob got up and made her some breakfast and put the tv on for her in the living room. That’s unusual for him. It was only 9.15am but he began to question why I was so sleepy. He asked why I wasn’t up. I knew then that I had to get up otherwise it would look unusual to him. It bothered me. I feel like whatever I do, it can be read as ‘unusual’ to him. If I am high-energy – that’s odd. If I’m extra sleepy – that’s suspicious. If I’m depressed – that’s worrying. If I’m happy – why?  I felt so tired of my behaviour being analysed. My codependent side wants to act in whatever way attracts the least suspicion. My defensive side wants to be able to do whatever the fuck I want without it being somehow wrong. My guilty side understands that it’s my past behaviour that has created this situation in the first place.

I just want a day off from questions, talks, analysis sometimes. So I let it drop. We took Fable swimming in the morning and in the car, as normal, Rob asked me how I was feeling today. It always feels like such a loaded question. If I feel fine and say as much, it sounds like I’m being short and withholding something. I didn’t want to get into it though so I said I was ok. The night before we’d talked a bit about Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help. He has stayed up late researching it and listening to some recorded meeting and podcasts. He spoke a bit about how it made him feel. It felt really refreshing to me to have him talk without me having to start the ball rolling but like I said,  I really didn’t want to start an in-depth debate.  I listened willingly to what he said but I think my silence made him feel he should shut up. We swam. Then came home. There was an odd atmosphere between us. He said I was usually quiet. I didn’t feel chatty and felt my quiet mood was being analysed. Which in turn irritated me. Why can’t I just be??!

I sat in a different room to read for a bit. I thought if I could just be alone without having my behaviour dissected for a minute, have a little time to breathe, then maybe I would be in the mood to talk. Then he came to find me and questioned what I was doing (with a book in my hand!) and I instantly felt my heckles go up. The last thing I want to do is talk when I feel like this. I should have just communicated this to him, instead I brushed it off and said sarcastically – Err…I’m reading?? (Duuuh)

We went for a walk then. I have made some leaflets advertising myself as available to do housework/dog-waking/help with groceries – that kind of thing, so we had a stroll around the local houses, putting them through letter boxes. I always feel better when we do something nice, together as a family. My feelings of being analysed subsided and with that, all my irritation and defensiveness. The rest of the day was lovely. We visited his mother and then I cooked a nice meal. We talked a bit before bed although, I don’t really like talking about our problems just before I want to sleep. It feels like the wrong time, though to be fair, I had avoided having a proper talk all day. I did tell him how him questioning me as to why I was still in bed at 9am had started a chain of negative thought for me. How I felt so exhausted by feeling that every move I make and every mood or emotion I display is analysed. To his credit, he didn’t try to excuse this. He listened to me and it felt like I was properly heard.

I really think that much of my difficultly in communicating with Rob comes from feeling I’m being scrutinised. So much of my behaviour triggers him, I guess I instinctively feel that silence and stillness is the safest way to be.  I feel bad for him too. He didn’t ask for any of this. He’s stood by me and is doing the best he can. He’s agreed to attend an Al-Anon meeting and I’m so grateful for that. I think him having someone other than me to talk to about this whole shebang can only be of benefit. I will feel under less pressure for sure. We had a cuddle this morning and feeling close to him makes him feel so much more approachable. It’s so hard for me to open up to him when it I feel his questions don’t come from a loving place. It’s a vicious circle though. He can’t be open and loving when he feels suspicious and scared.

I want to give him peace of mind. I want peace of mind. We love each other and both want the same thing. I hope to one day look back on this time on our relationship and marvel at how we got through it together.

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Saturday fluff

Wow! I feel SO much better today than I have all week. I wonder if it’s connected to my finishing the course of  antibiotics I was taking yesterday morning? It hadn’t occurred to me that they might have an effect on my mood. I felt so flat on Tuesday and Wednesday. It’s scary how quickly a period of depression can descend and how fast it clouds your mind.

Well…  I wrote that previous paragraph yesterday. Just before my laptop ran out of juice. I it on charge and the day ran away with me I guess? I did feel way more high energy and emotionally, despite everything that’s been going on, I felt upbeat.

Yesterday I was in the mood to blog. Today, I’m not. I feel a bit tired. I haven’t read much more of the book I’m reading on the 12 steps, so have no new insights. I need to get back to it but I got deep into the Stephen King I was also reading and finished that yesterday. I’ve promised Rob an hour a day of some kind of self-help reading.

I have a few screenshots on writing an inventory (step4) that I want to record so here they are.

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