Day 63.

I had to miss AA today because Rob is so busy with work. I made it to last night’s meeting and will be going to one tomorrow evening but I haven’t missed my Monday meeting in months. I feel a bit twitchy for not being there. Not because I really feel the need for a meeting today but because I have come to look forward to it so much. It’s my home group and I get a real lift when I am surrounded by these people who I now consider my friends. I am no longer so bothered by nerves and anxiety when it comes to sharing in these rooms. Infact, I have spoken in the last 4 meetings I have been to.  I just received a text from a friend asking where I am and saying that I am missed. That warms my heart.

The women’s only rehab that I was looking at also fell through last week but instead of getting overwhelmed and discouraged, with Rob’s guidance, I got back online and searched for somewhere else.   What I didn’t realise is that there are such a thing as addiction treatment patient brokers that are really not working in your best interests. I came away feeling naive and a little bit hurt if I’m honest. I thought I had bonded with one particular woman. It felt like she was going out of her way to help me but I came to realise that the company she worked for will only point you in the direction of facilities that they cover. I am not very skilled at navigating my way around google when it comes to weeding out such groups. Thankfully, Rob is. We found two places that looked promising and dealt with them directly. The woman from this ‘broker’ site has phoned me 7 times in the past week, leaving an answerphone message 4 times to get back to her. Plus several emails. I thought she was doing this to truly help me. I emailed her on Thursday to thank her for her time and guidance and said I’d get back to her.

The only deals she could offer me (after rescinding on the 28-day, women’s only rehab for £4000, which she was very sorry about but the place was no longer in operation. Okkkkk..) were 3 week rehabs for the same price. She just rang the house now (I can’t remember giving her my home phone number?) and I informed her I no longer needed her help, that I’d found a rehab within my budget that covered the full 28 days and she sounded so pissed off. She probed for details on where the facility was, questioned whether it was a proper rehab and asked for the exact price. When I refused to give them, she abruptly ended the call. I guess I shouldn’t feel so let down. It’s her job but she was uber friendly last week. She discussed with me her own past addiction problems. It’s not uncommon for people working in this field to be recovering addicts so I wasn’t taken aback by this. Now I’m questioning whether it was a ploy?

Anyway! This is the place I will be going sometime in the next 2 weeks – Brynawel.

I feel sick with nerves and excited. Eager to get on with my recovery. Rob even accused me of being excessively happy yesterday! Hahaha. It bothered me at the time but I understand why me being happy would raise red flags for him. I can’t use that as a reason to fight with him anymore. I do feel happy. It probably is weird to see me that way but at the moment I feel like I can take on the world. I try not to think about leaving Fable for a month, what I’m focusing on is the intensive therapy I will be receiving over 28 days – building on the lessons, skills and strength I have found in the last 7 weeks of AA meetings. I’m focusing on the possibility that my relationship with Rob will be stronger. That he will feel happier. I desperately want him to get as much out of this as I do. I’m looking forward to a time when our lives don’t revolve around my illness. I’m not a selfish person but addiction has made me extremely self-centred. The last 2 years has been all about me. I don’t want to be the centre of attention anymore! (Not for these reasons anyway!)  I want the trust and intimacy back with my lover.  I want the people in my life that I love, to be proud of me. I want to be able to look in the mirror. I want a job. Some independence. I want my children back!

I know I am on the way to this already. I feel stronger that I have in many years. I want to go to rehab so that my life can start.

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I’m very behind on reading your blogs. I must apologise for that. I will get on it!

We’re handing in our notice for our home too. I really struggled with acceptance on this. It made me snappy and irritable every time Rob brought it up. I am resistant to change at the best of times but especially so when it comes to where I live. My living arrangements being insecure make me sick with anxiety. Moving here last year really threw me but I have worked hard to accept it. Rob is not happy here. We moved here when we had 2 incomes and Sonny needed space. Now, it all the finances fall on Rob and he can’t afford it anymore. The plan is for me to get a job but I have rehab to think of first. This is also the place where Rob found me near dead only 6 months ago. We have only lived here a year but it has been a miserable year. It looks like we will be moving in with his mother for a couple of months so we can recoup the money he is spending on my rehab. Not ideal. It means Sonny still wont be able to come and stay for a while longer which is upsetting but I am in no position to resist.  We are only moving in the first place because of my addiction. Once I have completed rehab and we’ve saved maybe 2 months of rent and found somewhere smaller and cheaper, we can really move on. I want to be able to contribute. I want a home for my family that doesn’t have such trauma attached to it.

Ok, it’s beautiful outside. I’m going to take my little goblin to the park. Have a great days you guys xxxxx

 

Day 42.

Woah, it’s been over a week since I last blogged!

I’m still feeling really positive about AA. Things have been pretty unbearable at home though. I feel like I can say that today after spending the weekend away from Rob and taking some time out to reflect. It’s very hard when you’re in the thick of it to feel anything other than resentment. I had nothing good today about the situation and didn’t want to share it here. He reads this blog with my blessing and I didn’t want to make the situation even more fraught for either of us. Maybe I just needed a little time to accept where we are. The concept of acceptance is such a big part of AA. I’m beginning to get it, albeit slowly.

The meeting 2 weeks ago with the substance misuse team did not go how we wanted. I went into it playing up how chronic my problem is but I did say that I was a month clean and sober. The assessment went ok but the next day they got back to me to tell me I wasn’t a suitable candidate for any kind of rehab they could offer. Rob even phoned them back to beg/plead/curse them out and all they will do is refer me back to the mental health team to deal with my underlying anxiety issues.

As you all know, Rob only came back after my last slip because I promised to attend rehab. Well now we were having that option taken away from us. He knew it wasn’t my fault but things went from bad to worse between us.

This weekend I went to stay with our good friend Rachel for the weekend. I took Fable with me because Rob trusts Rachel implicitly. Plus, on the Sunday I was going to visit my kids in Builth. Rob confides in Rachel. Rachel is a great listener and she can really talk the hind legs off a donkey. In the car journey home with her on Friday she really spelled it out to me how Rob is not coping. I was already beginning to suspect some kind of PTSD from finding me after my suicide attempt last August. All communication between us in the last 2 weeks had all but ceased. So to have someone neutral to us tell me exactly how it is gave me fresh insight.

Because I have been feeling stronger I was beginning to get impatient with how messed up Rob was over everything. I resented rehab being the sole topic of conversation. I was frustrated at his inability to let things go or see that I am feeling different about things.

It’s not enough for him. He’s seen it all before. So were trying to get together the money for a private women’s only rehab in Cardiff. A 28 day program. It’s £4000. Rob can cover half of it. I asked my parents for the rest. My mother says she can’t help which shouldn’t have surprised me but it did hurt. It looks like my Dad will help. He just wants more information.

The other thing that’s been causing us grief is our finances and living arrangements. We moved into our current home with two incomes and more benefits. When I lost custody of Sonny, we lost a big chunk of monthly income, plus my car. We’re now living pay cheque to pay cheque in a house that is too big for us. We’ve only been here a year but there really are no happy memories here. I’m SO resistant to change, whenever Rob brought up the subject I would panic. I hate moving. I love this house and location but for Rob it’s the house he found me near-dead.

So I have to ACCEPT that we will not be living here much longer. I really wanted to forgo rehab and get a job to help with the bills but neither of those options – me not going to rehab and us staying in this house – will work for Rob.

I’m handing over to my higher power and accepting the big changes a’coming. I can do this. Things can not continue the way they are and I don’t want Rob to suffer anymore. I love him. I want us to be a happy family. My disease has caused us so my pain. I am getting there, so what does a little more upheaval matter? I need him to be able to feel ok about leaving Fable in my care. For him not to be worried sick that I’m unconscious in charge of her. I need to feel trustworthy. I want to bring the people in my life joy, not despair.

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(Me with my 5 kids and my son’s girlfriend on the left)

Day 33. “Hold back nothing”

Today’s daily reflection.

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I was given this to read out loud at today’s meeting. It puts into words what I’m beginning to feel, so succinctly.

Witnessing others share their innermost thoughts and feelings, their bitter resentments and absolute joy is profoundly moving and I come out of every meeting so humbled whether I have shared or not.

I get it!

Hold back nothing! 

To be able to share your true feelings without reproach, in a room full of like-minded people, well, it feels like I’ve found the cure for my cancer. It’s not easy. My disease can create resentment out of anything so I often feel anger that I have to share but actually I don’t have to. I can go to a meeting and listen. Baring your soul every meeting is not a prerequisite.  I gain just as much from meetings where I don’t say a word.

I wish I could take notes!!  I really do because I struggle to remember all the connections my poor brain makes in the thick of it. I get such a rush hearing people say out loud the words that are often jumbled up in the back of my mind. When I first started attending AA, and previously NA, I would see other people nodding and agreeing with the person sharing and now I find myself doing the same. When I feel low – a meeting helps without fail.  When I feel positive – a meeting reinforces that positivity.

I get it!

I have made friends that could very well be life-long. I look forward to meetings and wish I could get to more. It’s beginning to dawn on me that I have a new addiction and this habit is one I can immerse myself in without it killing me.

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“It’s an inside job”.

This phrase came up a few times this afternoon from 2 different people. Meaning;  your emotional well-being is an inside job. *Taps side of head*

They spoke of fear, of anger and resentments. How getting dry/clean is not that difficult. Staying sober is the hard part. Life isn’t suddenly all rainbows and unicorns when you put down the bottle. We all still have the same shit going on – unpaid bills, clashes with loved ones, stress at work or home. Anxiety, depression. We still lose people we love. Hearing people share about these things and adding that they didn’t ‘pick up’ or even want to, hit me like a ton of bricks today. I see the proof right in front of my eyes that this program works. Here are these people, once hopeless drunks and drug addicts  – just like me – coping with their lives and emotions without their crutch. Without numbing themselves. They are feeling their feelings, and some of those feelings are bloody hard to feel. These people – WE – have often spend decades doing things a different way so of course breaking a habit of a lifetime doesn’t come easy. If it did, none of us would need to be there!

Step 2 – “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

I had been stuck on this concept for months. My sponsor pointed out to me that it says ‘came to’ believe. That as long as I was open-minded and had a willingness to believe that that was the most important thing.  I’m letting go of my pre-conceived ideas about AA and religion and opening up my mind.

Every time I hear someone share in AA about how hard their week has been, or how down they have felt for whatever reason, and yet they got through their day or week without picking up a drink – I feel a higher-power.

When I see the tranquility of the ‘old-timers’ as they speak about 10/20/30 years of sobriety after a previous 10/20/30 years of drinking.  How they were so entrenched in their addiction they never believed recovery was possible for them but now they lead happy, fulfilled lives – I feel a higher-power.

These same people who haven’t consumed a drug or drink in decades, still enthusiastically attending AA several times a week. Giving people lifts, turning up early to help set up and staying behind at the end to give a few words of advice to the newer members of the fellowship – I FEEL IT.

Ok, enough about AA – for now.

It was Fable’s 2nd birthday on Wednesday. I love this little girl so much. I want her to grow up being able to depend on me. One of the hardest things for me to deal with right now are my emotions surrounding how I view myself as a mother.

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I’m visiting my other kids this coming weekend. I miss them so much.

There is more to tell you but I have to stop here for now. I wanted to write a positive blog entry because I’m feeling positive but there is some shitty stuff to share. I’ll try to catch you up later.

 

Edited to add. Great book to read – Mad Girl – Bryony Gordon. Check it out! She has also begun a new mental health podcast called Bryony Gordon’s Mad World which recently got a lot of press because her first guest was Prince Harry. I found episode episode 3 with Mandy Stevens really interesting.

One last thing – watch Mind over Marathon on BBC iplayer. It’s about 10 people with various mental health issues who take up the challenge to run the London Marathon. Compelling viewing!

Day 27. Nobody said it was easy..

I am totally digging AA. It’s very clear that the more you put into the program, the more you gain from it.

Keep coming back. It works if you work it.

Yesterday I shared and got a bit emotional. I get very anxious about sharing. I can end up spending the whole meeting with my mind racing, trying to build up the courage to open up. Willing myself to speak but finding myself unable to. However, in the past few meetings I have pushed myself to ‘get it out of the way’ and have been the 2nd or 3rd person to share. Then I get to relax and find myself able to properly listen to the rest of the meeting.

I’m aware I’m making it sound rather an ordeal. I’ll admit – it can be tough going! But as the old adage goes..

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Yesterday I gave the room a little background history of my drinking and drug use – a rough timeline starting at 14 until present day. I spoke about the drinking culture I grew up with. About my ‘recreational’ teenage years. Where it started to get out of hand. Times I tried to stop. Times my use went up a gear (or 10!).  I started out by saying that I was really battling with my anxiety and that I might lose my thread but that I wanted to start talking and just see where it led me.

To be perfectly frank, I’m not sure how long I shared for or what I divulged but when I stopped, I was shaking like a leaf, my face felt like it was on fire and I was crying. Not hysterically, but my face was wet. The person who was running the meeting called for a 10 minute break. Straight away I had arms around me. A woman whispered in my ear,

‘I can’t believe you just said all that! You did so well.’

She gave me her number. Then another woman gave me her number. Then a man gave me a big hug (after asking my permission ❤ ). Another man came up to me and showed me a particular passage in the Big Book (AA) that he thought was pertinent. Others offered supportive and kind words.

It blew my mind. So much so, I got up early this morning and went to another meeting. I plan to go to one tomorrow too.

I’m sold!!

These are my people!

At this morning’s meeting there was a man from California. He is on vacation here in Wales and sought out a meeting 5200 miles away from his home group!! Isn’t that brilliant?! I think it’s great.

I’m feeling a bit evangelical about it. Can you tell?

It’s difficult to go from the warmth of the rooms to the somewhat cooler atmosphere at home. Yesterday was better than the day before. Today was better again but still had some odd moments.  Same old, same old.

The bare minimum of what is required of me is to not pick up a drink or take a pill. Some days that has to be enough. Last week I could barely manage to get up and get dressed. I had physical, crushing pain in my chest and an upset stomach from the anxiety. I wanted to hide under the duvet and self-soothe myself with books and tv.

For the majority of last week I achieved the bare minimum.

The past few days I have written and exercised. I have gone to meetings and shared. I have spoken on the phone to my family. I have even baked!  Rob thinks I don’t see the correlation between my lighter mood and achieving these activities. He gets freaked out when he sees me stopping doing them. Last week I didn’t blog much. I didn’t run. I avoided calling my family on the phone. I was struggling to put one foot in front of the other after a panic attack earlier in the week. I didn’t force myself to run or write because all my energy was going into just about keeping my shit together.  Of course this resulted in him panicking and seeing all kinds of red-flags and signals to a potential lapse.  I totally understand why he is paranoid and anxious but his reaction to these ‘signs’ is to freeze me out. He shuts down and stops talking to me. I find this incredibly hard to cope with.

 

I was still going to meetings but because he’s not a witness to what goes on in those rooms, I guess it doesn’t make an impact as such. All he sees is inertia and lack of self-care. It was a ‘bare-minimum’ kind of week. The really sad thing is, I’m so sure it would be easier on both of us if he could support me more when I feel like that but his auto-pilot reaction is to distance himself in case he gets hurt (-i.e incase I did relapse). If I were to feel love and support at those most brutal and ugly times as opposed to pressure, resentment, fear and rejection..well..it doesn’t need spelling out does it.

I did go for a run and wrote a blog entry a few days ago, under slight duress. If it had been left to me, it’s unlikely I would have done so and I said as much in my blog entry.  Once he read that post and that thought was in his head – that I was only doing those important things for him and not myself– HE UNRAVELED! He shut himself away in the bedroom and barely spoke to me for 24 hours.

I know I need to want my own recovery. I KNOW it will only work if I want it, NOT if I only do it for others. I KNOW THIS. BUT, I was having a particularly hard week.

A partner who I am totally dependant on that can barely look at me or be in the same room as me. (After reading this he may accuse me of using language that makes me out to be a victim and likely resent that I paint him in this negative way so I remind you readers, that you are only hearing one side to our story and that he didn’t ask for any of this. I wrote this hours ago but have been reluctant to publish because I don’t want to give him any reason to be cold towards me. I have waited until I have come to bed and spent another half an hour editing it.)

I have also been really missing my children and being apart from them for prolonged periods can make my anxiety unbearable at times.

I am feeling much better than I was a few days ago. Not brilliant, but ok. And that run that I went on because I felt under pressure to? Well, maybe that was ok! Maybe it was ok to go for resentful run because the next day I went for myself. And the day after that!

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This recovery stuff is hard. For everyone involved.

I’m looking forward to AA tomorrow.

 

 

Day 25.

I feel like I have to sit down and make myself write something but I’m really not feeling it. I have nothing much to say. Or maybe it’s that I don’t feel like sharing? I have come to feel a little resentment at having nothing private. I am doing a fair amount of sharing at AA and with my sponsor and this feels like it should be enough!

It baffles Rob that I don’t share like a typical woman. That I don’t spend hours on the phone moaning or gossiping but that’s just not me. He thinks it’s counterproductive to my recovery but I just feel increased pressure from him to act in a way that makes me anxious and is not natural to me. I do not enjoy speaking on the phone! I am fine talking with a friend over a coffee or in a meeting and I am doing these things.

My lack of writing worries him because without it, he struggles to get me to express how I’m feeling. I’ve tried to explain that talking and sharing with him is difficult because 75% of the time he appears hostile to me. Why would I want to confide in someone who can barely be in the same room as me? It’s a vicious circle. He pulls away emotionally but wants me to communicate to him how I am feeling. How is that supposed to work?? Sitting down in the same room as me at the end of the day and asking me how I am (usually without looking at me) does not inspire me to open my heart.

So I guess this post is for him. Because the more days that go by without me writing, the more anxious he gets and the more anxious he gets, the more anxious I get.

I have really had a hard time with anxiety this week. I have a constant low-level chest pain and uneasy feeling which has made it impossible to run. So I haven’t written or ran since last weekend  – until today.  I also haven’t drank alcohol or consumed a substance so I really feel like I could do with a pat on the back. I wont get that at home. I do get it from my AA pals as they know what a miracle a sober day is when your mind is trying to fuck you over.

My appointment with the substance misuse team is on Weds. Same day as Fable’s 2nd birthday.  Before that, I have a meeting tomorrow and Monday and I’m seeing a friend for coffee on Tues. I have homework to do on Step 2 which I’m getting through before next week.

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Day 20.

Hi guys. I feel like writing today and THAT makes all the difference to the quality of my blog posts, I reckon.

I’m sat in the garden on a sunny Sunday morning with a coffee and biscuits (cookies), watching Fable eat dandelions and dirt and this is the time I feel inspired and like I want to share.

We had a difficult day yesterday. Nothing I said or did was right. Nothing Rob said or did was right. Fable was our only saving grace. In conclusion; it was a shitty day with lots  of bickering. Rob called it disheartening. I argued that it was normal – then we fought about what to feel about it. Yeh – it was one of those days.

I have been to a couple of AA meetings since I last wrote. I really am getting a lot out of them. I’m still feeling anxious about sharing, it’s purely a nerves thing. I over think it. I find I share more easily in my ‘home’ group on a Monday. The Saturday group I’ve started going to, there’s more unfamiliar faces and I get stage fright!

I miss my kids. The longer that goes by without seeing Sylvie and Sonny the more uneasy I feel. Rob asked me the other night how I felt and the only way I could describe it was;

It feels like there’s something not quite right, all of the time.

I feel uneasy. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I get prickles of shame when I think about them.

Louis C.K says something about being a parent which keeps popping up in my mind. Something like, it’s nothing more important that just being there. Just showing up. I keep torturing myself that that’s the one thing that I’m failing at. That when my kids think back to their childhoods it will be their Dad that they remember being as the one constant in their lives. It’s not a good feeling.

After my AA meeting yesterday I went for coffee with 3 other AA women. It was really nice. Tonight I am meeting with my sponsor before a meeting to go over some worksheets on Step One that I have completed before a Sun evening meeting which I yet to attend. I plan to go to my usual meeting tomorrow afternoon too so I feel like I am trying hard. I’m going to mow the front lawn today. Maybe go for a run. Finish my book.

I feel like today will be better that yesterday.  ❤

Things I have achieved today..

I feel like I’ve really done well today despite waking with a resentful and agitated heart and I want to make note of it so here’s a list of the things I have accomplished today on top of the day-to-day undertakings of looking after a toddler i.e- feeding, entertaining, bathing etc..

  1. Mowed the lawn. Including adjusting the blade on the mower to cut the grass shorter.
  2. Returned an email. Yes, just one single solitary email but it counts.
  3. Completed 2 pages of worksheets on Step One, given to me by my sponsor.
  4. Answered a phone call from a woman from AA and had a conversation with her- (as opposed to ignoring phone and anxiously looking at the voicemail notification all day.)
  5. Wrote a blog entry.
  6. Took Fable to the park.
  7. Went for a run.
  8. 8,446 steps by 6.45pm.
  9. Read a few chapters of The Psychopath Whisperer.
  10. Watched the new episode of Veep. NOTHING makes me laugh harder than that show. WATCH IT.
  11. Wrote another blog entry.

So that’s it folks. That’s what I’ve done so far today. When I think back to some of my worst, most depressive days this would have more than I could have got done in a month.

Day 15.

I wrote yesterday morning’s blog entry on a bit of a natural high. I was feeling strong and like I can do this – whatever this is. Then Rob got up and confessed that he didn’t he could this anymore. I honestly thought for a minute he was ending it there and then. I felt every cell in body seize up and my blood run cold.

He’s so afraid that I will back out of rehab or that I will play down my necessity for it at the assessment so successfully that they will pat me on the back and send me on my way. We’re both living on a knife-edge, swinging from resentment to pity, rage to sorrow and back again with sporadic hugs and shared meals. It’s not a good place to be. He fully accepts the mood of the house falls to him the majority of the time, with me testing the waters and reading each room I walk into.

He’s trying.

I’m trying too.

It’s 2 weeks until my initial appointment with the Substance Misuse Service and then who knows how long until I know anything about a confirmed place at rehab, if indeed I get a place. I’m terrified I wont. What becomes of me then? I have thought maybe I should exaggerate my drug use to ensure a place? Probably not a good idea but desperate times and all that…

Just before leaving for my AA meeting yesterday lunch time Rob mentioned that he was considering going to stay at his mum’s for a few days with Fable. Not leaving leaving – just a break. A few days to catch our breath. The sad thing is I didn’t think it was a terrible idea. I want him to do whatever he needs to feel better. I have to admit though, it kind of plunged me into such a downer I have yet to resurface. He hasn’t gone and I don’t know if he still plans to.  Last night we talked about it briefly and he said the thought of it makes him feel guilty. That taking Fable away from me doesn’t feel good to him. I don’t know how I feel.

AA was really good. I am feeling so enthused about it. It had been suggested to me that helping with setting up and washing up and packing away tables and chairs at the end is a good way to immerse yourself within the fellowship and to make friends. That the conversations you have in those 10 minute sessions may end up being the words that stick with you. I gained another phone number and spoke to 4 more members one-on-one. I really wish I could get to more meetings. I am feeling frustrated by that. (I can’t quite believe that I said that!!)

I woke in a bad mood today. I don’t feel secure at home. I feel agitated and restless. I feel completely at Rob’s mercy which is making me resentful. I feel like he could turn around at any moment and say ‘that’s it, no more’ even though I am winning at controlling my demons. I feel like I could never put a wrong foot from here on in and still lose.

I need some certainty from somewhere.

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Can I just tell you though…I haven’t had the thought about buying or taking pills in days!!! It’s a fact that I shared in AA and those people truly appreciated it for the miracle it is.  So despite all the poop I just dumped on you, I’m still winning you gays ❤ ❤

 

Day 14. All good under the hood.

I’ve had a few days off from writing this blog. To be honest I don’t feel like writing it today but I know it’s preying on Rob’s mind so I feel like I must. To him, my lack of words signifies a lapse, the beginning of the steps to relapse. This blog has become one of the ways in which I communicate to him how I’m doing. So when he asked if I’d stopped blogging yesterday, (it’s always that most extreme version – have I stopped? Not, are you taking a break from it? Or how come you haven’t written for a few days?) I knew it was going to be a tricky day. He’s clearly having a difficult time but, and here’s the thing, I am not. The reason I haven’t bothered to blog in 5 days is because I’ve actually been feeling at peace. And I have been talking to actual, real-life people, from my actual real life. You know? – the thing that I find really difficult AND the thing Rob has tried to encourage me to do over and over.

I have had a couple of long talks with Ruby, my eldest daughter which have been good for the soul. I went out with my friend Lesley for food and to the cinema last week. I talked to my auntie Meg for a while on the phone. To Rachel – my good friend, also on the phone. I met up with a friend on Friday that I had never met in person before. We ‘met’ online over 13 years ago on a internet baby forum. She was on holiday here and we spent the afternoon together. Just us. I was anxious about it beforehand but I refused to give in and cancel or make up a reason not to meet and we had the loveliest time. I talked my little head off to her about everything and went home feeling good about myself for acting like a normal human for once.

On Saturday I went to a AA meeting with my new sponsor and actually looked forward to going! I’m beginning to feel like I belong somewhere and I’m making friends without feeling like a fraud. I’m not hiding any part of myself from these people and it’s liberating. After the meeting (which was the best one I’ve been to so far!) I went back to my sponsor’s house to start work on step one. She had printed out some worksheets which we briefly went over but we spent most of the time just talking non-stop.

I am sure that Rob is finding things more difficult than me because to him, nothing much has changed. In fact, it looks like I’m doing less to help myself because I haven’t been writing this but I am feeling so strong. He seems to have worse days when I go off by myself (without him). I guess those are the times when he dwells on what I could really be up to. It’s understandable and I’m reminding myself that it is fair. I have told him before that I am ok when I haven’t been so why should he be reassured now?

I have felt a renewed interest in running which is pleasing although I ache like crazy today after running for the last 3 days in a row. I am sleeping better. My anxiety feels manageable. My mammogram gave me the all-clear! I find I can concentrate much better – this is so underrated and so pleasing to me. I couldn’t even concentrate on making a cup of tea before now, often putting too much sugar in a cup because I’d forget I’d already put one in.

I have AA later today which I’m glad about. It’s good to feel wanted.

Day 9.

It’s 6pm here and I feel like I’ve actually achieved something today despite not getting dressed or leaving the house. I have gotten through another day without acting on my intrusive thoughts. Rob said to me earlier that I looked spaced out. It’s natural for me to immediately feel defensive at that kind of comment. I can’t help but view it as an accusation but he was right. I have felt a little dazed today.

After every relapse or slip that I have had,  I would have,  by now,  been unable to ignore the voice in my head telling me to leave the house and buy pills. I may not have gone through with actually buying any pills but I would already be walking past pharmacies,  torturing myself. I would already be waking up in the morning and devising a plan on how to persuade Rob to be ok with me taking Fable out. This morning I woke up and went back to sleep twice before being woken by Rob which rarely happens.

I’m still having unwanted, intrusive thoughts throughout the day but I’m able to let them go which still feels like a miracle to me. I have listened to music, gardened, written, read and played with the baby, all without the constant background noise whirring in my head, pleading with me to obey.

LEAVE THE HOUSE. 

NO! STFU. GO AWAY! 

*intrusive thought slinks away*

I find it really difficult to listen to music. I know that’s weird but bear with me while I try to explain.

When my brother was ill I stopped listening to music. Even shit music. Anything that could stir any kind of emotion was a no-go. I couldn’t risk feeling anything. It took me years to be able to listen to a whole song again and I still struggle with it.

I always know when I am doing well in recovery when I get the urge to listen to music. Old favourites that deliver that delicious dopamine hit and inspire euphoria. Today I revisited some of these..

“Wake Up”

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’.
Someone told me not to cry.But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.Children, wake up.
Hold your mistake up
before they turn the summer into dust.If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little gods causin’ rain storms,
turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am goin’ to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am goin’.
With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am go — goin’!

You better look out below!

I’ve also texted my AA sponsor today and another lady I met at AA without feeling like a burden or a nuisance.

Tomorrow I have a mammogram. Fun, fun. ;P