I had to miss AA today because Rob is so busy with work. I made it to last night’s meeting and will be going to one tomorrow evening but I haven’t missed my Monday meeting in months. I feel a bit twitchy for not being there. Not because I really feel the need for a meeting today but because I have come to look forward to it so much. It’s my home group and I get a real lift when I am surrounded by these people who I now consider my friends. I am no longer so bothered by nerves and anxiety when it comes to sharing in these rooms. Infact, I have spoken in the last 4 meetings I have been to. I just received a text from a friend asking where I am and saying that I am missed. That warms my heart.
The women’s only rehab that I was looking at also fell through last week but instead of getting overwhelmed and discouraged, with Rob’s guidance, I got back online and searched for somewhere else. What I didn’t realise is that there are such a thing as addiction treatment patient brokers that are really not working in your best interests. I came away feeling naive and a little bit hurt if I’m honest. I thought I had bonded with one particular woman. It felt like she was going out of her way to help me but I came to realise that the company she worked for will only point you in the direction of facilities that they cover. I am not very skilled at navigating my way around google when it comes to weeding out such groups. Thankfully, Rob is. We found two places that looked promising and dealt with them directly. The woman from this ‘broker’ site has phoned me 7 times in the past week, leaving an answerphone message 4 times to get back to her. Plus several emails. I thought she was doing this to truly help me. I emailed her on Thursday to thank her for her time and guidance and said I’d get back to her.
The only deals she could offer me (after rescinding on the 28-day, women’s only rehab for £4000, which she was very sorry about but the place was no longer in operation. Okkkkk..) were 3 week rehabs for the same price. She just rang the house now (I can’t remember giving her my home phone number?) and I informed her I no longer needed her help, that I’d found a rehab within my budget that covered the full 28 days and she sounded so pissed off. She probed for details on where the facility was, questioned whether it was a proper rehab and asked for the exact price. When I refused to give them, she abruptly ended the call. I guess I shouldn’t feel so let down. It’s her job but she was uber friendly last week. She discussed with me her own past addiction problems. It’s not uncommon for people working in this field to be recovering addicts so I wasn’t taken aback by this. Now I’m questioning whether it was a ploy?
Anyway! This is the place I will be going sometime in the next 2 weeks – Brynawel.
I feel sick with nerves and excited. Eager to get on with my recovery. Rob even accused me of being excessively happy yesterday! Hahaha. It bothered me at the time but I understand why me being happy would raise red flags for him. I can’t use that as a reason to fight with him anymore. I do feel happy. It probably is weird to see me that way but at the moment I feel like I can take on the world. I try not to think about leaving Fable for a month, what I’m focusing on is the intensive therapy I will be receiving over 28 days – building on the lessons, skills and strength I have found in the last 7 weeks of AA meetings. I’m focusing on the possibility that my relationship with Rob will be stronger. That he will feel happier. I desperately want him to get as much out of this as I do. I’m looking forward to a time when our lives don’t revolve around my illness. I’m not a selfish person but addiction has made me extremely self-centred. The last 2 years has been all about me. I don’t want to be the centre of attention anymore! (Not for these reasons anyway!) I want the trust and intimacy back with my lover. I want the people in my life that I love, to be proud of me. I want to be able to look in the mirror. I want a job. Some independence. I want my children back!
I know I am on the way to this already. I feel stronger that I have in many years. I want to go to rehab so that my life can start.
I’m very behind on reading your blogs. I must apologise for that. I will get on it!
We’re handing in our notice for our home too. I really struggled with acceptance on this. It made me snappy and irritable every time Rob brought it up. I am resistant to change at the best of times but especially so when it comes to where I live. My living arrangements being insecure make me sick with anxiety. Moving here last year really threw me but I have worked hard to accept it. Rob is not happy here. We moved here when we had 2 incomes and Sonny needed space. Now, it all the finances fall on Rob and he can’t afford it anymore. The plan is for me to get a job but I have rehab to think of first. This is also the place where Rob found me near dead only 6 months ago. We have only lived here a year but it has been a miserable year. It looks like we will be moving in with his mother for a couple of months so we can recoup the money he is spending on my rehab. Not ideal. It means Sonny still wont be able to come and stay for a while longer which is upsetting but I am in no position to resist. We are only moving in the first place because of my addiction. Once I have completed rehab and we’ve saved maybe 2 months of rent and found somewhere smaller and cheaper, we can really move on. I want to be able to contribute. I want a home for my family that doesn’t have such trauma attached to it.
Ok, it’s beautiful outside. I’m going to take my little goblin to the park. Have a great days you guys xxxxx