Woah, it’s been over a week since I last blogged!
I’m still feeling really positive about AA. Things have been pretty unbearable at home though. I feel like I can say that today after spending the weekend away from Rob and taking some time out to reflect. It’s very hard when you’re in the thick of it to feel anything other than resentment. I had nothing good today about the situation and didn’t want to share it here. He reads this blog with my blessing and I didn’t want to make the situation even more fraught for either of us. Maybe I just needed a little time to accept where we are. The concept of acceptance is such a big part of AA. I’m beginning to get it, albeit slowly.
The meeting 2 weeks ago with the substance misuse team did not go how we wanted. I went into it playing up how chronic my problem is but I did say that I was a month clean and sober. The assessment went ok but the next day they got back to me to tell me I wasn’t a suitable candidate for any kind of rehab they could offer. Rob even phoned them back to beg/plead/curse them out and all they will do is refer me back to the mental health team to deal with my underlying anxiety issues.
As you all know, Rob only came back after my last slip because I promised to attend rehab. Well now we were having that option taken away from us. He knew it wasn’t my fault but things went from bad to worse between us.
This weekend I went to stay with our good friend Rachel for the weekend. I took Fable with me because Rob trusts Rachel implicitly. Plus, on the Sunday I was going to visit my kids in Builth. Rob confides in Rachel. Rachel is a great listener and she can really talk the hind legs off a donkey. In the car journey home with her on Friday she really spelled it out to me how Rob is not coping. I was already beginning to suspect some kind of PTSD from finding me after my suicide attempt last August. All communication between us in the last 2 weeks had all but ceased. So to have someone neutral to us tell me exactly how it is gave me fresh insight.
Because I have been feeling stronger I was beginning to get impatient with how messed up Rob was over everything. I resented rehab being the sole topic of conversation. I was frustrated at his inability to let things go or see that I am feeling different about things.
It’s not enough for him. He’s seen it all before. So were trying to get together the money for a private women’s only rehab in Cardiff. A 28 day program. It’s £4000. Rob can cover half of it. I asked my parents for the rest. My mother says she can’t help which shouldn’t have surprised me but it did hurt. It looks like my Dad will help. He just wants more information.
The other thing that’s been causing us grief is our finances and living arrangements. We moved into our current home with two incomes and more benefits. When I lost custody of Sonny, we lost a big chunk of monthly income, plus my car. We’re now living pay cheque to pay cheque in a house that is too big for us. We’ve only been here a year but there really are no happy memories here. I’m SO resistant to change, whenever Rob brought up the subject I would panic. I hate moving. I love this house and location but for Rob it’s the house he found me near-dead.
So I have to ACCEPT that we will not be living here much longer. I really wanted to forgo rehab and get a job to help with the bills but neither of those options – me not going to rehab and us staying in this house – will work for Rob.
I’m handing over to my higher power and accepting the big changes a’coming. I can do this. Things can not continue the way they are and I don’t want Rob to suffer anymore. I love him. I want us to be a happy family. My disease has caused us so my pain. I am getting there, so what does a little more upheaval matter? I need him to be able to feel ok about leaving Fable in my care. For him not to be worried sick that I’m unconscious in charge of her. I need to feel trustworthy. I want to bring the people in my life joy, not despair.
(Me with my 5 kids and my son’s girlfriend on the left)