I feel like I have to sit down and make myself write something but I’m really not feeling it. I have nothing much to say. Or maybe it’s that I don’t feel like sharing? I have come to feel a little resentment at having nothing private. I am doing a fair amount of sharing at AA and with my sponsor and this feels like it should be enough!
It baffles Rob that I don’t share like a typical woman. That I don’t spend hours on the phone moaning or gossiping but that’s just not me. He thinks it’s counterproductive to my recovery but I just feel increased pressure from him to act in a way that makes me anxious and is not natural to me. I do not enjoy speaking on the phone! I am fine talking with a friend over a coffee or in a meeting and I am doing these things.
My lack of writing worries him because without it, he struggles to get me to express how I’m feeling. I’ve tried to explain that talking and sharing with him is difficult because 75% of the time he appears hostile to me. Why would I want to confide in someone who can barely be in the same room as me? It’s a vicious circle. He pulls away emotionally but wants me to communicate to him how I am feeling. How is that supposed to work?? Sitting down in the same room as me at the end of the day and asking me how I am (usually without looking at me) does not inspire me to open my heart.
So I guess this post is for him. Because the more days that go by without me writing, the more anxious he gets and the more anxious he gets, the more anxious I get.
I have really had a hard time with anxiety this week. I have a constant low-level chest pain and uneasy feeling which has made it impossible to run. So I haven’t written or ran since last weekend – until today. I also haven’t drank alcohol or consumed a substance so I really feel like I could do with a pat on the back. I wont get that at home. I do get it from my AA pals as they know what a miracle a sober day is when your mind is trying to fuck you over.
My appointment with the substance misuse team is on Weds. Same day as Fable’s 2nd birthday. Before that, I have a meeting tomorrow and Monday and I’m seeing a friend for coffee on Tues. I have homework to do on Step 2 which I’m getting through before next week.