Day 20.

Hi guys. I feel like writing today and THAT makes all the difference to the quality of my blog posts, I reckon.

I’m sat in the garden on a sunny Sunday morning with a coffee and biscuits (cookies), watching Fable eat dandelions and dirt and this is the time I feel inspired and like I want to share.

We had a difficult day yesterday. Nothing I said or did was right. Nothing Rob said or did was right. Fable was our only saving grace. In conclusion; it was a shitty day with lots  of bickering. Rob called it disheartening. I argued that it was normal – then we fought about what to feel about it. Yeh – it was one of those days.

I have been to a couple of AA meetings since I last wrote. I really am getting a lot out of them. I’m still feeling anxious about sharing, it’s purely a nerves thing. I over think it. I find I share more easily in my ‘home’ group on a Monday. The Saturday group I’ve started going to, there’s more unfamiliar faces and I get stage fright!

I miss my kids. The longer that goes by without seeing Sylvie and Sonny the more uneasy I feel. Rob asked me the other night how I felt and the only way I could describe it was;

It feels like there’s something not quite right, all of the time.

I feel uneasy. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I get prickles of shame when I think about them.

Louis C.K says something about being a parent which keeps popping up in my mind. Something like, it’s nothing more important that just being there. Just showing up. I keep torturing myself that that’s the one thing that I’m failing at. That when my kids think back to their childhoods it will be their Dad that they remember being as the one constant in their lives. It’s not a good feeling.

After my AA meeting yesterday I went for coffee with 3 other AA women. It was really nice. Tonight I am meeting with my sponsor before a meeting to go over some worksheets on Step One that I have completed before a Sun evening meeting which I yet to attend. I plan to go to my usual meeting tomorrow afternoon too so I feel like I am trying hard. I’m going to mow the front lawn today. Maybe go for a run. Finish my book.

I feel like today will be better that yesterday.  ❤

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3 thoughts on “Day 20.

  1. Well done and it sounds like things are looking up. You can’t do anything about the past but you can be here for your kids now. You need to concentrate on getting well first. I’m around 5 months and this weekend was the first where I had energy and I felt well enough to really connect and spend good quality time with them. Its never too late:)

    Liked by 1 person

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