I wrote yesterday morning’s blog entry on a bit of a natural high. I was feeling strong and like I can do this – whatever this is. Then Rob got up and confessed that he didn’t he could this anymore. I honestly thought for a minute he was ending it there and then. I felt every cell in body seize up and my blood run cold.
He’s so afraid that I will back out of rehab or that I will play down my necessity for it at the assessment so successfully that they will pat me on the back and send me on my way. We’re both living on a knife-edge, swinging from resentment to pity, rage to sorrow and back again with sporadic hugs and shared meals. It’s not a good place to be. He fully accepts the mood of the house falls to him the majority of the time, with me testing the waters and reading each room I walk into.
I’m trying too.
It’s 2 weeks until my initial appointment with the Substance Misuse Service and then who knows how long until I know anything about a confirmed place at rehab, if indeed I get a place. I’m terrified I wont. What becomes of me then? I have thought maybe I should exaggerate my drug use to ensure a place? Probably not a good idea but desperate times and all that…
Just before leaving for my AA meeting yesterday lunch time Rob mentioned that he was considering going to stay at his mum’s for a few days with Fable. Not leaving leaving – just a break. A few days to catch our breath. The sad thing is I didn’t think it was a terrible idea. I want him to do whatever he needs to feel better. I have to admit though, it kind of plunged me into such a downer I have yet to resurface. He hasn’t gone and I don’t know if he still plans to. Last night we talked about it briefly and he said the thought of it makes him feel guilty. That taking Fable away from me doesn’t feel good to him. I don’t know how I feel.
AA was really good. I am feeling so enthused about it. It had been suggested to me that helping with setting up and washing up and packing away tables and chairs at the end is a good way to immerse yourself within the fellowship and to make friends. That the conversations you have in those 10 minute sessions may end up being the words that stick with you. I gained another phone number and spoke to 4 more members one-on-one. I really wish I could get to more meetings. I am feeling frustrated by that. (I can’t quite believe that I said that!!)
I woke in a bad mood today. I don’t feel secure at home. I feel agitated and restless. I feel completely at Rob’s mercy which is making me resentful. I feel like he could turn around at any moment and say ‘that’s it, no more’ even though I am winning at controlling my demons. I feel like I could never put a wrong foot from here on in and still lose.
I need some certainty from somewhere.
Can I just tell you though…I haven’t had the thought about buying or taking pills in days!!! It’s a fact that I shared in AA and those people truly appreciated it for the miracle it is. So despite all the poop I just dumped on you, I’m still winning you gays ❤ ❤