I’ve had a few days off from writing this blog. To be honest I don’t feel like writing it today but I know it’s preying on Rob’s mind so I feel like I must. To him, my lack of words signifies a lapse, the beginning of the steps to relapse. This blog has become one of the ways in which I communicate to him how I’m doing. So when he asked if I’d stopped blogging yesterday, (it’s always that most extreme version – have I stopped? Not, are you taking a break from it? Or how come you haven’t written for a few days?) I knew it was going to be a tricky day. He’s clearly having a difficult time but, and here’s the thing, I am not. The reason I haven’t bothered to blog in 5 days is because I’ve actually been feeling at peace. And I have been talking to actual, real-life people, from my actual real life. You know? – the thing that I find really difficult AND the thing Rob has tried to encourage me to do over and over.
I have had a couple of long talks with Ruby, my eldest daughter which have been good for the soul. I went out with my friend Lesley for food and to the cinema last week. I talked to my auntie Meg for a while on the phone. To Rachel – my good friend, also on the phone. I met up with a friend on Friday that I had never met in person before. We ‘met’ online over 13 years ago on a internet baby forum. She was on holiday here and we spent the afternoon together. Just us. I was anxious about it beforehand but I refused to give in and cancel or make up a reason not to meet and we had the loveliest time. I talked my little head off to her about everything and went home feeling good about myself for acting like a normal human for once.
On Saturday I went to a AA meeting with my new sponsor and actually looked forward to going! I’m beginning to feel like I belong somewhere and I’m making friends without feeling like a fraud. I’m not hiding any part of myself from these people and it’s liberating. After the meeting (which was the best one I’ve been to so far!) I went back to my sponsor’s house to start work on step one. She had printed out some worksheets which we briefly went over but we spent most of the time just talking non-stop.
I am sure that Rob is finding things more difficult than me because to him, nothing much has changed. In fact, it looks like I’m doing less to help myself because I haven’t been writing this but I am feeling so strong. He seems to have worse days when I go off by myself (without him). I guess those are the times when he dwells on what I could really be up to. It’s understandable and I’m reminding myself that it is fair. I have told him before that I am ok when I haven’t been so why should he be reassured now?
I have felt a renewed interest in running which is pleasing although I ache like crazy today after running for the last 3 days in a row. I am sleeping better. My anxiety feels manageable. My mammogram gave me the all-clear! I find I can concentrate much better – this is so underrated and so pleasing to me. I couldn’t even concentrate on making a cup of tea before now, often putting too much sugar in a cup because I’d forget I’d already put one in.
I have AA later today which I’m glad about. It’s good to feel wanted.