Day 9.

It’s 6pm here and I feel like I’ve actually achieved something today despite not getting dressed or leaving the house. I have gotten through another day without acting on my intrusive thoughts. Rob said to me earlier that I looked spaced out. It’s natural for me to immediately feel defensive at that kind of comment. I can’t help but view it as an accusation but he was right. I have felt a little dazed today.

After every relapse or slip that I have had,  I would have,  by now,  been unable to ignore the voice in my head telling me to leave the house and buy pills. I may not have gone through with actually buying any pills but I would already be walking past pharmacies,  torturing myself. I would already be waking up in the morning and devising a plan on how to persuade Rob to be ok with me taking Fable out. This morning I woke up and went back to sleep twice before being woken by Rob which rarely happens.

I’m still having unwanted, intrusive thoughts throughout the day but I’m able to let them go which still feels like a miracle to me. I have listened to music, gardened, written, read and played with the baby, all without the constant background noise whirring in my head, pleading with me to obey.

LEAVE THE HOUSE. 

NO! STFU. GO AWAY! 

*intrusive thought slinks away*

I find it really difficult to listen to music. I know that’s weird but bear with me while I try to explain.

When my brother was ill I stopped listening to music. Even shit music. Anything that could stir any kind of emotion was a no-go. I couldn’t risk feeling anything. It took me years to be able to listen to a whole song again and I still struggle with it.

I always know when I am doing well in recovery when I get the urge to listen to music. Old favourites that deliver that delicious dopamine hit and inspire euphoria. Today I revisited some of these..

“Wake Up”

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’.
Someone told me not to cry.But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.Children, wake up.
Hold your mistake up
before they turn the summer into dust.If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little gods causin’ rain storms,
turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am goin’ to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am goin’.
With my lightnin’ bolts a glowin’,
I can see where I am go — goin’!

You better look out below!

I’ve also texted my AA sponsor today and another lady I met at AA without feeling like a burden or a nuisance.

Tomorrow I have a mammogram. Fun, fun. ;P

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