I went to AA this morning with some trepidation. I hadn’t drunk alcohol for this slip to happen so would I be discovered as a fraud. Banished to the dismal NA down the road? I needn’t have worried. After the opening readings, a gentleman shared a really positive story of his history of AA. I won’t elaborate as it’s private but for much of it I was thinking – Why is he wanging on about his lovely weekend? I know that some shares take a while to get where they’re going, and I’ve never seen anyone share without at least one person in the room make a connection or taking away one good idea, but this guy – I just wasn’t getting it.
I usually have to build myself up to share at a meeting. I get horrible anxiety just before and fear I will lose my thread or go blank. I way overthink it. Anyway, after listening to this lovely fellow talk for a good 20 minutes, I jumped straight in!
My name’s Kelly and I’m an alcoholic.
Well, I’ve had a bitch of a week so rather than overthink it, I’m just going to start at the beginning of last week.
I didn’t hold back about the past week. I explained that I feel that pills are my main intrusive thought but that drinking in every way lowers my defenses. As it happened last week it didn’t happen that way round but I certainly thought about getting drunk in the immediate aftermath. I spoke a bit about how my actions have impacted other peoples lives, especially my children being unable to visit at Easter and naturally Rob and mine’s relationship. I confessed that every group meeting I have been has left me in awe of the people who have gone a year/2/3/55/66 without taking a drink.
I didn’t speak for long but I had the most amazing response! The next guy to speak after me. An older guy, been coming to AA since he was 66 and now I think he’s in his 80s. He was having a bad day but he felt it been really important to see the contrast of the good and the bad. What he meant was hearing the benefit of 2 sides of life from opposite members. An old-timer and a newbie (me). It benefits us both.
As soon as we hit the break I was bombarded with hugs and stern advice. people begging me to choose a sponsor. I felt so put on the spot. The only lady there I’d really bonded with the lady who’d offered me her number previously . I asked her and she said Yes! As simple as that. Straight after the meeting she took me to her house up the road and gave me her own copy of the big book. She’s arranged to meet me at a weekend meeting and had given me a little homework.
I told her, it feels so alien and uncomfortable to have strangers that seem REALLY seem to care. I want to be a part of it more than anything right now. I had 2 more contact numbers from other women which was cool. A ton of hugs! So much kindness and understanding.
Despite the good day, I feel a bit low. Im feeling super sad about not seeing my older kids over Easter.