Rob and Fable came home yesterday. Things are strangely calm and pleasant. He stayed at his mums for 5 nights so I obviously the space was a good thing.
I feel weighed down by guilt and horror at once again decimating his trust. We were beginning to get things back but honestly, I wasn’t ok. I’m SO insistent on being fine, on making people see that I’m totally fine, on not burdening my loved ones with the nightmare that is my mind that whenever I have relapsed or slipped before it becomes my main objective to be fine. I need Rob to believe I am coping because I’m scared of what will happen if he realises how broken I really am. I may hint at it;
You’d be horrified if I wrote down how many times a day my mind goes to drink
And I erase the ‘and pills’ part because I’m too scared to admit to even myself how often and how much bigger it is that the drink. I know that I need to be more scared of how unbearable my life is and what I will lose if I don’t address it properly but that’s so much easier to damn say/write that actually do!
Today I am reading a book about a woman with OCD. I don’t have thoughts about germs, or my family dying but I do have obsessive thoughts about acquiring pills and alcohol. I do have the overwhelming compulsion to listen to my obsessive thoughts. It’s the nearest way of describing my addiction issues and the reason I fail over and over again.
It’s not fair, it really isn’t. – moment of self-pity here – I’ve been fighting a losing battle. I look weak for succumbing but it’s takes mountains of strength to get through a day when your head is telling you to do something that will make you feel better but you know will ruin your life. But!!! Since I saw my doctor on Thursday and he told me his plan to email all the pharmacies in North Wales with a ban on serving me, I have at least continued to feel respite from acting out my compulsion. The obsessive thoughts are still there though nowhere near as frequent because my logical brain can hush them.
I have spent the weekend gardening, reading and playing with Fable which isn’t an unusual way to spend the weekend but it’s been 10000000x more enjoyable and relaxing because I can concentrate more.
I am not cured. I know that. I am scared that my stupid (genius) brain will figure out a way around these limitations or even chose to ignore them. Not that I will EVER put myself through the humiliation of attempting to buy otc meds knowing that I will be questioned and refused. No way! Shudder! But my brain might start shouting louder to just do it and then what? I am quietly confident that that wont happen. As soon as Rob cottoned on to the fact that I was ordering pills online and having them delivered to the house, he blocked the sites and is on high alert when the postman rings the doorbell. It had the immediate effect of frightening me away from that. Plus we no longer have any spare cash that used to enable me to make that kind of purchase. Buying pills online used to be the biggest obsessive thought by far. Then it wasn’t. I think that’s what will happened this time.
I’m still set on us buying a breathalyser. I need to be treated like a child, I really do. When it comes to this. I need to parented, just like my doctor did. It’s never been fair to expect Rob to do that. Nobody wants that in a relationship. It’s not very sexy is it?
My Auntie Meg just rang. I alluded to the idea that I’m having a hard time mentally right now. She’s nearly 90, she doesn’t need to know the ins and outs but she questioned why the kids weren’t up for Easter. She’s always so concerned about me in an overtly loving way, it makes me really emotional. Always checking that Rob is looking after me and being understanding. I told her that I’m difficult to live and tried to laugh it off but she didn’t laugh. I wish I was with her right now.