A nightmare jolted me awake just as it was getting light. A social worker was yanking Fable from my arms, taking her away from me to be put into care. I couldn’t get back to sleep after that.
I find early morning to be the loneliest time of day. The house is too quiet without the baby here. We normally sleep with light music or a white noise app playing but I hadn’t bothered putting anything on so woke to silence. I cried myself to sleep last night and cried again this morning. I miss my baby so much it’s a physical ache. Rob brought her over last night which was lovely. She was her usual gorgeous and delightful self. Seemingly unaware of the turmoil her parents are going through and thankfully, unaffected by the disruption of spending the past few nights at her Grandma’s house. This is not the first time Rob has left our home with Fable. After a full relapse in the late winter of 2015, he moved into his Dad’s with her for 6 weeks. Sonny was living with us then but he was staying at the residential part of his school for those weeks whilst I had a break. That was the first time I had had more than 10 days apart from Sonny his whole life. I was in desperate need of that break and I was able to visit him every day with the school only being a mile up the road.
It was good for Rob to be able to have space from me. The past few times this has happened we have been forced to stick it out under the same roof because his Dad didn’t have a spare bed anymore. He’s at his Mum’s house now which is small and impractical for a long stay. I have no idea when or if he plans to return any time soon but I’m not pushing him on it. It’s agony being apart from Fable but I understand he needs space from me. He’s being kind enough and supportive from a distance. That’s more than I deserve.
In AA on Monday a lady read out a poem which I’ve been thinking about a lot since. It’s kind of cheesy but it makes a strong point.
I hate myself right now. I know I have an illness but I can not go on living with this person I have become. I have no respect for myself. I am full of self-loathing.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud. A year from now I want to be able to look back and feel pity for this person but know it’s in the past. I want to have faith in myself and for Rob to be able to trust me, to feel at peace in our relationship. Our bond is so fragile. Whatever love he feels for me is being rapidly erased. I can’t believe he even has any love for me left.
On a more positive note, after my lonely tears this morning I realised that the thought of buying pills had appeared but had been swiftly silenced without me thinking too much of it. Leaving me able to feel my sorrow and just that. I was able to feel those feelings without being bombarded by the inner demand to buy pills.
Things aren’t easy right now. I am in turmoil over the state of my life and my relationships but… BUT I HAVE A QUIET MIND! I am able to think about Rob, about Fable and about my potential stay in rehab without the contact thrum of buy pills, buy pills, count your money, catch a bus, walk past a pharmacy, just do it, buy pills, BUY THEM.
I have to admit, that realisation made me smile.
I am excited. I feel free.
I’m not sure I have ever been able to adequately express how hopeless I felt. I would be given the advice to try mediation or mindfulness to help. Lots of you have sent me useful links and Rob goes out of his way to research every thing connected with addiction and find me books and podcasts that I should read. All of this has been great but deep down, all I could think was that I just can’t take any of it on board. My mind won’t listen. The bad thoughts are too loud and overwhelming and reading about the same subject would just make them louder! Over the past year I have spent literally 95% of my waking hours with the same obsessive, compulsive thought thrashing around inside my mind. Rob couldn’t understand why it appeared that he was more interested in trying to figure out addiction than me. He would see me fall asleep listening to some random comedy podcast or reading fiction novels and get frustrated that I wasn’t taking things seriously. I don’t know why but listening to or reading stuff about addiction, AA and mental health would just make the thoughts louder. I could glean a little respite by occupying my head with, what I call ‘fluff’ or ‘bubblegum’. The same kind of thing as scrolling on your iPhone through Instagram, Twitter etc. This sort of behaviour would be a red-flag to Rob though and he was right to feel on high-alert. I may not have been secretly abusing substances but my head was constantly thinking about such taking actions, so he undoubtedly would feel those vibes. I’ve been exhausting myself trying to convey a picture of someone who has things under control. A part of me felt resentful. It felt unfair that I was working so hard to not give in for him to be so suspicious all the time that I already had succumbed. If only he could really see that every hour I got through was an almighty win.
Anyway, who knows how this will alter our day-to-day lives. If stands by me once again and moves back in, I wonder how my newly acquired free frame of mind will alter my ability to take on information. Will he/we be able to see the difference?
I have also decided to purchase a home breathalyzer. I will test myself every morning and every evening. I am not putting the responsibility on him, I will be in charge of it. With these measures put in place I have hope that I can concentrate on recovery without distraction because I have not been able to do that so far and I truly believe that has been my downfall.