Thank you for the supportive messages. Everyone I’ve spoken to directly or reached out to electronically has been really decent. I woke up this morning and as per usual, my immediate waking thoughts were of acquiring pills and how I was going to be strong enough to cope with them and not give in to them. Then I remembered that I had no way to do that anymore and I can’t tell you what a difference to my day, to my existence, it’s made! I think maybe my GP that I saw yesterday is my higher power you guys!!!
I surrendered to him yesterday and he took control and took action. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so light! I have nowhere in the whole of North Wales where I can purchase otc meds!!!
I went into town early today as I had to catch a 10am bus to get to my 12pm therapy session. I had an hour and a half to kill in town. Before today that would be an anxiety-driven, tension-filled exercise in self-restraint. In drowning out the compulsive thoughts. I would wander past the 2 pharmacies in the high street, torturing myself. Wanting to be able to relax and potter about town. To be able to enjoy my surroundings and feel peaceful. Well, today I felt just that. I did walk past both pharmacies, it’s unavoidable really but I just smiled at myself and kept walking. The thought started to form in my head but was so quickly shut down by the fact that I am banned from buying anything, I was free to have other thoughts. It feels transformative. I feel like I’ve unlocked the key. Should I feel worried that the only reason I feel like this is because someone else has taken control? No, I don’t think so! It’s just the start. I only have enough strength to battle my compulsions for so long before it becomes too heavy a burden to bear and I slip up. The time between these slip-ups has gotten smaller and smaller. I needed someone else to take over! I couldn’t trust myself to stay sober indefinitely.
I had talks with my 3 big kids yesterday and man, I am so proud of them. They are loving and supportive. I almost want them to be angry and disappointed in me. They are sad of course, but I think the fact that they are kept in the loop. Nothing has been hidden from them this time – it’s goes a long way to helping them feel less fearful and in turn, less angry. More trusting.
Today’s therapy session was ok. I’m not sure what to say about this guy. He’s a good listener. He’s come up with some interesting thoughts that I might not have been able to verbalise but I’m not getting any good, practical advice on how to recover. Nothing that I haven’t worked out for myself a long time ago. He suggested mindfulness, exercise and reaching out to friends. All things that suggested – he just embellished a bit. I need to talk to Rob about how useful I’m finding this. It’s costing us a lot of money when I actually feel like attending a few more AA meetings or meditation/yoga classes might be more beneficial. I don’t want him to think I’m bailing out on getting help though so I’ll see what he thinks.
I met up with my friend Lesley after therapy and we had such a good chat. She knew about my alcohol problems but I’d never admitted anything more than that. There’s a taboo associated more to drugs that booze isn’t there? I’ve talked about it before. There’s an added layer of secrecy and shame involved. Anyway, I admitted everything and talked A LOT over a couple of hours. It really was good to get it off my chest to her – a friend. She really listened to what I was trying to tell her. She fully admitted she didn’t have the answers but it was good to have someone tell me how difficult it all sounded. She didn’t judge me.
I know that I must keep this transparency going. That hiding my feelings, trying to contain them so not to burden anyone else, is one of my biggest downfalls. I may seem open in this blog but I can never usually talk to anyone in real life like I do here. I find it very, very difficult.
Rob is bringing Fable over shortly. I haven’t seen her since Monday which is torment. I don’t think he’s going to stay. He needs space but I am grateful that I get to see her.