Day 2. Starting again, again.

I slipped up. If that’s what it’s called? A slip? Relapse?

I fucked up and everything is falling apart. Rob has taken the baby to his mother’s. He says he can’t do it anymore. I had to tell my kid’s Dad because the Easter holidays are upon us and the kids aren’t allowed to be here if Rob isn’t here. The man lost his girlfriend less than a week ago and I had to lay more on his plate. More on my children’s plate. I hate myself.

The minute I was rumbled I took off and ended up hitch-hiking to the other side of the country. Regretting my actions as soon as I was there and desperately wanting to be home. It took me a day to get back. It caused so much anguish.

I am not in control of my world. My battle is constant and there is no respite. However… I have spoken to my doctor and with a local substance misuse charity and really felt listened to. I am seeking proper rehab. I am terrified.

Also my Doc has emailed every pharmacy in North Wales with my description and a ‘do not sell to’ warning. It’s humiliating but such a relief. I really think that having the option to give in to my compulsive thoughts removed from me will help. Obviously, it will help in terms of not being able to access any otc meds but more importantly to me, if it quietens this constant barrage of thoughts;

 Buy some pills. Buy them. Go on. Don’t forget. Do it. Just a packet. Just take a couple

..then I will find my day to day life much more peaceful. I’ve been scared to reveal how intolerable it is. If I wrote down on paper how many times a day these thoughts enter my head you wouldn’t believe it. My loved ones would be horrified.

I know recovery isn’t meant to be easy. I obviously need more help.

I am scared. I am ashamed but most of all, right now I miss my baby. I hope to see her tomorrow. If you read this tonight Rob, please consider letting me see her tomorrow.

 

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9 thoughts on “Day 2. Starting again, again.

  1. I’m so sorry. 😦 Don’t lose yourself to the spiral of self loathing. You made a mistake and you ran away but you came back and you’re on the right path. It’s not an easy one to follow but it’s there and you see it… if you can get help, take it. Please be kind to yourself. Things will get better eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh sweet girl. My heart breaks because I know the pain and shame you must be feeling. Please get proper help. Remember us addicts are sick. Its not reckless behaviour it is sickness. Illness. Please please remember that and go get help – the way you would if you had cancer. I am holding your hand. This too, shall pass.

    Liked by 1 person

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