I feel sad. I miss my mum. She is in the country, at my grandparents house and I was too scared to go and visit her.
We last spoke in person on Mothering Sunday 2008. I saw her nearly a year later at my brother’s funeral but she blanked me. Or maybe I blanked her. I don’t know anymore. I know I was too scared to look at her.
We’ve been in contact again for about 6 months but only by FB and email. It was Mother’s Day here in the UK yesterday and I really wanted to ring her. For a few hours I believed I might but then I chickened out. I pushed it from my mind and only thought about it again this morning. I felt disappointed in myself.
I am terrible on the phone. Even before we became estranged we only spoke on the phone maybe once a month. Now I have no idea what we’d talk about. I know that we can’t have any real-talk. She doesn’t want to go over the past. Honestly, I don’t want to either but for different reasons. I think she doesn’t want to feel blamed. I don’t want to fall out again.
Going to see her at my grandparents doesn’t feel like a safe, neutral place for our reconciliation. When I fell out with my mum, my nan and grandad became collateral damage. I tell people they took her side because I haven’t had any contact with them either since. In actual fact, I walked away from them, like I walked away from my friends when I split with my husband. I felt like I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t want to put anyone in a position where they had to choose. I didn’t want to be rejected so I took the decision away from them.
I put some stupid 80s song on YouTube earlier which made me so nostalgic. It transported me to a time where I was little and my mum was everything. I can’t quite put my finger on it. It was all colours and flavours. I don’t have many stand out, happy memories with my mum but I know there must have been a time where we had fun and I think that involved music and singing. She was 17 when she had me in 1978 so music like Dr.Hook, Barry White, Hot Chocolate and Meatloaf were the first records I heard. When I hear them now they make me smile.
If I’m honest with myself, I wish she’d make the grand gesture but I know she can’t. I have always wanted so much more from her but without ever asking for it. I want her instinctively understand what I want and need from her and that’s ridiculous. It’s wrong of me. The only way I can get what I want from my relationship with my mum is to ask. I need to push past my fear of her rejection.
I never thought in a million years she would reach out to me after so many years, but she did. So who knows what else could happen?