Deb

I feel sad. I miss my mum. She is in the country, at my grandparents house and I was too scared to go and visit her.

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We last spoke in person on Mothering Sunday 2008. I saw her nearly a year later at my brother’s funeral but she blanked me. Or maybe I blanked her. I don’t know anymore. I know I was too scared to look at her.

We’ve been in contact again for about 6 months but only by FB and email. It was Mother’s Day here in the UK yesterday and I really wanted to ring her. For a few hours I believed I might but then I chickened out. I pushed it from my mind and only thought about it again this morning. I felt disappointed in myself.

I am terrible on the phone. Even before we became estranged we only spoke on the phone maybe once a month. Now I have no idea what we’d talk about. I know that we can’t have any real-talk. She doesn’t want to go over the past. Honestly, I don’t want to either but for different reasons. I think she doesn’t want to feel blamed. I don’t want to fall out again.

Going to see her at my grandparents doesn’t feel like a safe, neutral place for our reconciliation. When I fell out with my mum, my nan and grandad became collateral damage. I tell people they took her side because I haven’t had any contact with them either since. In actual fact, I walked away from them, like I walked away from my friends when I split with my husband. I felt like I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t want to put anyone in a position where they had to choose. I didn’t want to be rejected so I took the decision away from them.

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I put some stupid 80s song on YouTube earlier which made me so nostalgic. It transported me to a time where I was little and my mum was everything. I can’t quite put my finger on it. It was all colours and flavours. I don’t have many stand out, happy memories with my mum but I know there must have been a time where we had fun and I think that involved music and singing. She was 17 when she had me in 1978 so music like Dr.Hook, Barry White, Hot Chocolate and Meatloaf were the first records I heard. When I hear them now they make me smile.

 

If I’m honest with myself, I wish she’d make the grand gesture but I know she can’t.  I have always wanted so much more from her but without ever asking for it. I want her instinctively understand what I want and need from her and that’s ridiculous. It’s wrong of me. The only way I can get what I want from my relationship with my mum is to ask.  I need to push past my fear of her rejection.

I never thought in a million years she would reach out to me after so many years, but she did. So who knows what else could happen?

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2 thoughts on “Deb

  1. I took a while before I could reconnect with my Mom, my Dad passed and I never got a chance to make amends. I will write a post soon about that. I had to get right with myself before I could do the right thing. It had to be about owning my part and not expecting anything and offering to do what I could to make it right. It is in my opinion about healing the chasm I had created thus dong myself harmed in the process initiating a vicious cycle of self-abuse and remorse on and on- Thank you for sharing and reminding me of what I need to do

    Liked by 1 person

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