In AA someone talked about being a dry drunk. That they are not drinking but not sober.
A ‘dry drunk’ is a person who hasn’t taken a drink, but continues to have the same thinking and behavior as when they were an alcoholic. This individual has given up alcohol, but they haven’t given up their alcoholic ways. Alcoholism is more than a behavior; it’s a disease that affects all aspects of a person’s life, and simply stopping the alcohol isn’t enough to achieve full recovery.
Sobriety, on the other hand, is more than just giving up alcohol. It involves new thinking, new behaviors and a new attitude, all things that are learned through the 12 steps. Recovering alcoholics learn to accept the fact that alcohol wasn’t the problem; their choices were. Alcoholism was the unfortunate symptom. – The River Source
I am dry and doing my best to keep my behaviours in check but I think I can state that I have never achieved full sobriety in my attitude. Before I met Rob, any attempt at becoming sober and staying clean was a battle of wills. I congratulated myself on periods of dryness and felt like I’d achieved something. That I was winning. I can see now that that is why I have continued to fail. I may have been dry but I wasn’t sober.
Working the steps
I find the first step straightforward. I don’t have any problem admitting that my life becomes unmanageable when I abuse substances. I am way past being in denial that I have any power or control. It’s step 2 where I keep getting stuck. Trusting in a higher power. Handing over to that higher power. Believing in one! I worked out last night by simply imagining what qualities I want in a higher power, that I am looking for an all-forgiving, non-judgemental parent. Not something I have experienced in my own life except to say that I believe myself to be one. Obviously I can’t restore myself to sanity.
Tried and failed x10000.
Rob said something about God being in me (Oh, did I forget to say he is a believer and that every time we have this conversation I flip out and accuse him of winding me up?!)
It’s a lot to think about but I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere…even though I’m fully aware it writes like I’m just going over and over the same hurdle weeks down the line.