I had a discussion with Rob yesterday about school and learning and passing exams. I did great in school considering how much I skived. I did pretty well in exams too but I feel I learned nothing except how to pass said exams. I had a really good memory for learning lines when it came to theatre and I used this to cram the night before an exam and basically crap out the contents the following day onto a piece of paper. I left school with 9 GCSEs (a couple of A*s, 3 Bs, 3 Cs and a D) and 2 A-Levels (an A and a C). I can remember NOTHING that I learnt. A prime example would be history GCSE. History was the easiest for me to memorize because it was like a story. It flowed and made sense. On top of that was had a history teacher who was an examiner and a few months before the real deal he gave us a mock exam with a wink,wink,nudge,nudge. He more or less told us that it would be the same as the real exam. So I memorized a couple of essays and lo, I passed with flying colours. I would not have passed with an A had I not been good at learning my lines, as it were. I can honestly say that a week later I had totally forgotten what I’d written.
Rob didn’t do so well in school. He didn’t see the point of exams. He left early. For him to be enthusiastic about a subject, things had to make sense to him. I know teachers have a hard job. They have to teach fuckers who don’t want to learn. They have to hit targets. So unless everyone involved is passionate about the subject and the kids want to work hard it’s hard to reach a classroom of teenagers. He left school – realised you did need to pass those dumb exams if you wanted a decent job and went back to college and did them.
What I’m trying to say is that despite appearing to be intelligent because I did well in school I don’t think I am that clever. I’m not trying to put myself down. I know I am bright but after years of not really applying myself to any kind of learning and the skill of being able to memorize pages of writing firmly in past, I feel kind of stupid at times. Like when you’re reading a book when you’re tired. You find yourself repeating the same page over and over because you keep switching off. Your eyes going over the words but your mind is elsewhere. I feel like that so often in my adult life. When I try to tell Rob what I discussed in therapy and I just don’t have the adequate words, almost like I have already forgotten what was said the hour before. I could be engrossed in the session, having epiphanies all over the damn place but when it comes to verbalizing it in the car on the way home it appears like I’m withholding and being evasive. I’m not! I want to share with him. I just get so flustered, I clam up.
I can read books on recovery and find paragraphs that jump out at me. I get a buzz that I’ve related to something. It makes me feel like I’m learning but ask me to explain it and why I personally connected to it and my mind goes blank. I feel despondent and I confess, it makes me want to give up on that particular book/podcast/article.
I’m reading A Woman’s Way Through the Twelve Steps and decided to screenshot anything that jumps out at me. Anything that I feel an immediate connection with. Whether I can explain that connection or not. I think this will help me. Like a child with flashcards. So I will be posting blog entries that just have screenshots because this is the best place for them being my recovery base and also Rob reads my blog, so maybe it will help him understand better what’s going on with me when I can’t find the words.
^^This almost feels so obvious it doesn’t need to be said. I have been so frightened of my own feelings and so numbed to them that I have lost a true sense of my inner self.
Yes, yes, yes to the micromanaging the lives of my loved ones. This is deeply connected to my codependency. Creating an image of myself of someone who is in control of her personal life. A competent human being. Most importantly, a good mother.
Ok, I have to go do that good mothering stuff now. I love days like today where I have an abundance of words that mostly make sense.