So I’ve been a bit lax the past few days with doing the things that are good for me. I only ran on Saturday after a week of not running. Then Fable got poorly and it’s like my brain fogged up immediately. Concentrating on anything became a chore. When life gets stressful, I get drawn to mind-numbing activities like surfing the internet and watching tv. I also love to read but out of the library of many self-help guides I have queued up, I go straight for the fiction. When Sonny lived here and I felt that all-encompassing strain daily, the moment he left for school or fell asleep I would hit the screens. It soothed me. It was all my senses could handle (or so I told myself).
So with Fable not sleeping and being very needy but pushing me away, I felt scarily hopeless. When you’re in the midst of a situation you often can’t see it ending. I had to constantly remind myself that she just had a bug. This was something I couldn’t do with Sonny.
Sylvie and Sonny came up at the weekend and I had a really lovely time with them. However Rob shut himself away all day Saturday. I found myself getting angrier and angrier at him. I felt embarrassed for Sylvie. Sonny wouldn’t notice but she did. All I could think was ‘is this how it is always going to be?’ I can’t be with someone who doesn’t treat my other children like family.
Rob has been sleeping in the spare room.That’s Sylvie’s room when she’s here so he had to come back to our bedroom. I decided to sleep in with Sylvie. Fable has been in our bed whilst she’s been poorly. I just thought it would be easier to leave Rob and Fable to it for 2 nights. I felt like I needed a break from the broken nights and a part of me thought it would be what Rob wanted. He’d been forced to come back to our bed so the least I could do was sleep somewhere else. Turned out to be the wrong decision.
Sunday morning we had it out. He confessed that he felt on ‘high-alert’. My behaviours were screaming at him that I had either relapsed or was planning to. All my good behaviours/habits had fallen away over the previous week and we’d spent the previous day completely avoiding each other. I told him that all I could think about was how appalled I was at how he was acting whilst my kids were visiting. That my mind had been racing with thoughts of leaving. I hadn’t relapsed and wasn’t making those kind of plans but I was in turmoil and could see that things had quickly unravelled over the previous 4 days.
It’s hard for him to be reassured when it comes to me because I’ve lied to him before. I have screamed and cried, or laughed him off. I’ve bullshitted him. He’s worked against his gut before and been burnt. I only have myself to blame.
But…after we had it all out. We had a nice day. He joined in and that’s all I ever want. I don’t want to feel torn within my own family. Rob and Fable have me every day (poor things!) My other children have me hardly at all so when they’re here I feel they should take priority for few hours they have me. I feel like whatever is going on here should be ‘tabled’ for that time. Rob can’t do that. He can not push his feelings aside. It drives me crazy. I can see it’s probably an unhealthy talent I have perfected over the years. Pretending to be ok. I can see his refusal to do it is probably healthier. BUT he pointed out to me that he can’t just stop working when his brain fogs up. He has to push things aside to a certain extent and get shit done. That’s the closest I can get to describing how I feel about making sure my kids have an ok time when they’re here.
NOT EVEN A GREAT/WONDERFUL/AMAZEBALLS TIME!!! JUST AN OK TIME!!! JUST OK!
Sylvie is 12. She’s not going to want to come every month and school holidays for many more years. I need to grab hold while she’s still wanting to see me as much as spend time with her friends. Before she gets a job like Ruby did. I want her to think fondly of her weekends at mums.
Despite everything I think I gave her a nice weekend. We spent a lot of it together just hanging out. I made her laugh a lot and that always makes me feel really good.
Rob and I clearing the air lead the way to a really nice evening between us after we dropped the kids back with their Dad. Fable slept through the night. So no Monday blues for me.
Sidenote – My 2 eldest children forgot to get me a birthday card so naturally I embrassed them on social media by posting this photo of them.
Have a great day 🙂