I’ve attempted to sit down and write for 10 minutes several times today. Each time Fable seems to sense that I have more on my mind that watching the Teletubbies and has a meltdown. She’s been properly poorly for a few days now and it’s beginning to get to me.
She is a dream to get to bed. I can literally put her down in her cot, give her 2 dummies (pacifiers) 1 to suck, 1 to rub on her cheek, turn the lights down and leave the room. She is asleep in minutes. I have never experienced this in a child. I have gone through years of bullshit bedtime routines. My 3rd chid slept with me until she was 9. So I think I deserve one amazing sleeper. (Come back to me in a few months and guaranteed I’ll be eating my hat).
After putting her down to sleep last night I was too worn out to cook anything for tea. I sat down with some mushrooms on toast and numbly ate them. It dawned on me that I felt dissociated. I felt like how I felt every single day when I put Sonny to bed. Mentally shattered. When your child is sick and needs everything you have to offer and yet doesn’t want to be held. Screams, kicks and bucks if you try to soothe her, you have to switch something off to deal with that. Or at least, I do. I want so desperately to cuddle her and rub her back but she doesn’t not want that.
And now she’s screaming again. Hitting me for trying to comfort her.
I must remind myself that she is having a really hard time. Harder than the time she’s giving me 😉