I took a day off yesterday. It was my 39th birthday and I tried hard to feel grateful for the things that I have but the little girl in me had several tantrums about how spectacularly crap the day was. I just want to feel special on my birthday but my actions a few days before meant that Rob wasn’t in the right frame of mind to pull out all the stops. Although, I think even if I hadn’t fucked up, I’d still have felt underwhelmed by the day. Birthdays have a habit of making me feel sad. My kids didn’t send me a card. They did ring me though.
We took Fable to the soft play place up the road which genuinely made me feel happy for an hour or so. I love watching her play. She’s such a happy child. I’ve never been the kind of parent that really enjoys hanging out at kid’s play areas – parks, swimming pools, etc. I’ll dutifully take them and then spend the next half hour/hour/TWO HOURS IF I’M IN HELL, slowly dying inside with boredom. Maybe it’s because I’m older, but I can watch Fable run around this dumb place for ages without anxiety or boredom kicking in, telling me it’s time to go!
I have AA in half an hour so I’m going to write today’s entry in 2 parts.
Ok, well AA was another good learning experience but I seem to be in a ‘non-writing’ funk. I don’t feel anything I have to write is valuable right in this moment. That might read more negatively than I feel. I feel ok. I have been ruminating on a women’s share from AA a lot this afternoon. It had made some things that Rob has said to me click more into place. I feel both troubled by it and reassured. I have also done a fair bit of reading this afternoon. Now it is evening and my brain is telling me to switch off. It needs a little respite from the intense emotions.
Tomorrow morning I had a phone interview from a mental health service called Parabl. It’s a talking therapies partnership. I first called them back in January when I had a slip. Unfortunately the waiting list for such help has meant that it’s taken 6 weeks for my initial assessment. That’s the only reason I began private therapy. I’m hoping that they compliment each other.