Birthday blues

The past few days have been excruciating. It’s difficult to write about. It’s difficult to find the right words. I’ve spent the afternoon alone and just tried to do some reading. Rob sent me the first link – Addiction, Lies and Relationships and from there I’ve found some more interesting links.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Terminal Uniqueness and Personal Exceptionalism

Excuses Alcoholics Make!

I made a huge mistake the other day. I’ve tried so hard to try to convince Rob to see it as a victory.  I’ve clung on to that belief and refused to believe that I acted dangerously. He can’t see it as anything other that me walking up to the cliff’s edge, looking over and deciding not to jump. I’ve accused him of catastrophizing the scenario. Of using the most emotive language and imagery;

‘You went out with our baby and bought drugs’

I don’t feel like I was in any danger of relapsing. I didn’t deliberately set out to test myself or him but I have to accept his version of events. To him –the non-addict– my actions were dangerous and don’t make sense.

I can’t help feeling good that I didn’t succumb but I must realise that I put myself at risk and to Rob, that’s not acceptable behaviour. It’s not part of our deal. I lied to him. My actions were not reasonable . I may have ‘passed the test’ 3 days ago but it was reckless to do that to myself.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I feel bummed out. I don’t feel like I have anything to celebrate. I feel like my relationship is all but over. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

I guess to look on the positive side of things, despite everything being pretty fucking shit right now, I’m not tempted to have a drink. I went for a run yesterday and today and it felt good. My baby is her usual happy self and that warms my heart.

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5 thoughts on “Birthday blues

  1. One of the hardest things, for me in recovery, has been, to be honest with myself. I have found that it changes, as I progress and become aware of myself. see my post, “Honestly” The entire 12 step program is, in my opinion, a path to that end. As active addicts, we are so self -absorbed, yet so blind to how our actions/behavior affects our own self and others. My state today is I can’t change other’s perception of me. I must have the serenity to accept that, and the courage to change my attitude and response to that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is so true! I’ve really started seeing clearly in the last 12 months how insular I was and how my behaviour was affecting my children. This could cause me to go into a shame spiral but instead I choose to learn and grow from it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Is it true that he doesn’t want to be with you any more. Has he really said that. I guess he doesn’t want to be with an addict and the behaviour he saw in you that day shocked him. Give him time to process this. Trust takes time. Celebrate your birthday. Even if you spend it without Rob. Do something special.

    Like

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