The past few days have been excruciating. It’s difficult to write about. It’s difficult to find the right words. I’ve spent the afternoon alone and just tried to do some reading. Rob sent me the first link – Addiction, Lies and Relationships and from there I’ve found some more interesting links.
I made a huge mistake the other day. I’ve tried so hard to try to convince Rob to see it as a victory. I’ve clung on to that belief and refused to believe that I acted dangerously. He can’t see it as anything other that me walking up to the cliff’s edge, looking over and deciding not to jump. I’ve accused him of catastrophizing the scenario. Of using the most emotive language and imagery;
‘You went out with our baby and bought drugs’
I don’t feel like I was in any danger of relapsing. I didn’t deliberately set out to test myself or him but I have to accept his version of events. To him –the non-addict– my actions were dangerous and don’t make sense.
I can’t help feeling good that I didn’t succumb but I must realise that I put myself at risk and to Rob, that’s not acceptable behaviour. It’s not part of our deal. I lied to him. My actions were not reasonable . I may have ‘passed the test’ 3 days ago but it was reckless to do that to myself.
It’s my birthday tomorrow. I feel bummed out. I don’t feel like I have anything to celebrate. I feel like my relationship is all but over. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
I guess to look on the positive side of things, despite everything being pretty fucking shit right now, I’m not tempted to have a drink. I went for a run yesterday and today and it felt good. My baby is her usual happy self and that warms my heart.