Feeling really flat today. Rob seems to be ok with me but we haven’t talked about yesterday. I feel angry at myself and angry at him. My therapist questioned if what happened yesterday was a test. Was I testing Rob?
Maybe. I guess I thought I should ‘fess up rather than throw the pills away and pretend it hadn’t happened. That is what Rob has implored me to do. Just be honest. I even thought he might respond well to it.
He didn’t. His initial reaction was no different to if he’d found out I’d consumed a substance. That frightened me. I don’t feel safe. He doesn’t feel safe.
Therapy was hard going. I just didn’t want to engage. I did and it was another intense session but having epiphanies (albeit small ones) is exhausting. I should talk to Rob and clear the air and tell him how therapy went but I just don’t want to talk. I don’t want to explain myself today. I just want to be left alone.
Today’s activities have also included applying for a job I don’t want and mowing a third of the back lawn. (I got tired and ran out of garden refuse bags for the long, wet grass which hasn’t been cut since last October!!!)
This entry and a ‘show up and write the bare minimum to get a pass’ kind. Hopefully I feel more inclined to share tomorrow.