Feeling really flat today. Rob seems to be ok with me but we haven’t talked about yesterday. I feel angry at myself and angry at him. My therapist questioned if what happened yesterday was a test. Was I testing Rob?

Maybe. I guess I thought I should ‘fess up rather than throw the pills away and pretend it hadn’t happened. That is what Rob has implored me to do. Just be honest. I even thought he might respond well to it.

He didn’t. His initial reaction was no different to if he’d found out I’d consumed a substance. That frightened me. I don’t feel safe. He doesn’t feel safe.

Therapy was hard going. I just didn’t want to engage. I did and it was another intense session but having epiphanies (albeit small ones) is exhausting. I should talk to Rob and clear the air and tell him how therapy went but I just don’t want to talk. I don’t want to explain myself today. I just want to be left alone.

Today’s activities have also included applying for a job I don’t want and mowing a third of the back lawn. (I got tired and ran out of garden refuse bags for the long, wet grass which hasn’t been cut since last October!!!)

This entry and a ‘show up and write the bare minimum to get a pass’ kind. Hopefully I feel more inclined to share tomorrow.


4 thoughts on “Filler

  1. Just catching up on your recent post. Commenting on the most recent. As an addict I can see the victory in what you did. But as the partner of an addict Rob is not seeing victory. He is fearful and probably has every right to feel that way. I say this because my husband saw similar behaviour with me. I would promise him that my shopping addiction was over only to have the postman deliver another parcel. Even telling him the truth that the parcel had travelled from China on a show boat and I had ordered it BEFORE I quit was not enough to stir up feelings of disbelief. There were really no words that I could say to make him believe me. It took time. He is still wary and I haven’t bought a single thing online for 16 months.
    I hope things settle down. I hope the both of you can work through this. I hope your cancer scare turns out o.k. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thankyou. I totally understand Rob’s reaction and I’m angry at myself. I think I was testing myself. Or him, I don’t know? I never really felt in danger of taking anything but I admit that ‘going through the motions’ eased my anxiety. It’s hard to explain. I’m going to try and remain positive. It’s the first time I have ever been in that position and effectively walked away from it so to me, that’s a big deal. x

      Liked by 2 people

      • I still walk around and look at dolls in the toy section. I feel that I am testing myself. I am proud when I walk away with nothing. It feels like a victory.


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