Yesterday was a productive today. I feel like I achieved a lot. I went to sign on. I went to AA. I spent a good hour writing. I lifted some weights. Rob made the odd joke about me acting oddly. Like I was on speed. He jokes that I’m not allowed to act inconsistently. It makes him paranoid. That kind of joke plays on my nerves. It rattles around my brain. I feel like I’m not allowed to have varying moods for fear of appearing high. I would typically start a fight with him in my head. Arguing my side. Not listening to him when he tells me that he’s just explaining how he feels.
Today Fable woke at 6. I woke up feeling exhausted and nauseous. I just want to go back to sleep. The complete opposite of yesterday. I feel like yesterday was fuelled by anxiety and today I’m just recovering but to Rob it looks like yesterday I was high and today I’m coming down. I think he knows in his heart that that’s not the case. Not chemically anyway. I do feel like I’ve been ‘coming down’ today but from a couple of highly emotional days. Sunday was hard. I felt overly hormonal and like I said, yesterday was really full on for me.
So we’ve bickered today. He feels paranoid. I feel defensive. It’s not fair on either of us. Neither of us can help how we’re feeling but I think we’re ok. We’ve talked it out a bit. He bought me my favourite chocolate.
It’s days like today that might have knocked me sideways a few months ago. I would let my defensive feelings build to fury. I would let that battle in my head get out of control.
It’s not fair
I can’t do anything right
I should be on my own
One thing I can see a huge improvement in is my ability not engage in that spiral. I’m finding it easier to question that self-destructive voice. I no longer automatically believe it.
So even though today has been challenging and I’m knackered, it’s all good.