Well, today has been a tough one. For absolutely no reason! I have felt so hormonal, like I wanted to kill Rob many times over. I only usually get one or two days like that a month, right before Aunt Flo visits but it’s not that time so god knows why I have been such a cow.
I didn’t sleep well and we had to be up early but that wouldn’t usually have such a drastic effect on my irritation levels. We drove over to Anglesey to watch Tom in his half-marathon. When ever we have plans like this, that involve a drive and a place where I am not familiar where ALL of the public toilets are – I die a little. I never have a cup of tea the morning of a journey. I have the bladder the size of a grape. I don’t know if it’s birthing 5 babies or just an age thing but it sucks. So that put me in a grump first thing. I stupidly had half a cup of tea because I figured there would be porta-loos along the course. As it turns out we struggled to find a decent place to park and watch the race and the half cup of tea I drank was a MISTAKE. Then trying to find a suitable place to watch Tom turned into a mission with me getting to the finish line 5 minutes before he crossed it.
Being late infuriates me. It makes me anxious as all hell too. Rob is the polar opposite and it makes me want to commit violence. Not on him as such but I fantasize about punching my fist through a window or smashing something valuable. I used to behave like this – hurting myself or my possessions and making myself feel even more wretched.
I once threw a pot of coffee across my kitchen in a rage. Having to spend hours cleaning it made damn sure I never did anything like that again. Although I did rip a MacBook in half one time in an argument with my then 13yr old daughter. Yup! We tore it in half! What incredible parenting. I taught her absolutely nothing valuable that day. We sat down and talked it out later on I seem to remember but I still feel twinges of shame just thinking about it.
I have got a decent handle on my anger I think. I can be moody, tearful and despondent but I don’t act out anymore. I have never hit anyone but I did come close in a huge bust up with my ex mother-in-law many years ago. She was pushing and pushing me and I was right up in her face. God, I wanted to hurt her. In the end I ripped her glasses off her face, ran out to the garden and threw them in some bushes. It was quite comical really. She burst into tears so I went and fetched them and gave her them back. I have this horrible feeling that she told people I hit her. I’ve never been brave enough to ask.
Little things have really got to me today. Fable not eating her dinner. Rob making a mess in the kitchen, making her dinner. Needing a piss when I didn’t know where a toilet was. Being just in time to see Tom cross the finishing line.
But in amidst my bubbling ire I managed to;
write a cv and apply for another job.
I managed to sneak in a nap and a bubble bath.
I put the rubbish out – which doesn’t sound like much but it always reminds me of a time when my anxiety or depression stopped me from simple acts like putting the rubbish out to be collected. So today I have achieved quite a lot.
I’m going to have an early night. Nos da peeps.