Not sure where I’m going with this one..

Fable has been waking early the past few days. Rob and I are still sleeping in separate rooms but it actually works out better for me in the mornings. He works until all hours, often coming to bed at 4am, so typically if she wakes early I would have to get up with her and take her to the lounge so not to disturb him. As he’s crashing in the spare room right now, I just get her a drink of warm milk, plonk her on the bed, put some cartoons on and try to doze for another hour or so. Rob is NOT a morning person. I kind of am. Even if I had no kids and the opportunity, I still would probably only lie in until 9am. I like waking early and staying in bed listening to podcasts or flicking though Instagram. It took me a long time to accept Rob’s circadian rhythm being so profoundly different to mine (and most normal people!)  He works from home and does his own hours. He usually gets up at 11am and starts work practically straight away whilst in his pjs and drinking his morning coffee. His flexible working day means he is always available to take me to any appointments. He often comes to baby groups with Fable and I. He stops working around 7pm when we put Fable to bed and eat. We will watch a few shows together then I go to bed and he gets back to work for a few more hours, finishing off his day with some video games.

I struggled with his late rising when Fable was tiny. I was up early with Sonny and Fable and he was lying in bed until nearly midday. It was lonely and felt unfair. My day was beginning at 5/6am after breastfeeding every 2 hours throughout the night. It felt like I was spending half the day on my own with the kids before he even woke up. I had my first relapse of our relationship  when Fable was 9 weeks old. It was terrible. I was desperately tired and stressed out. I wasn’t happy and felt out of control with trying to care for Sonny and a newborn. Poor Rob had the shock of his life. I’d been clean of pills nearly 2 years – 4 months prior the start of our relationship – but I’d been drinking when we met and did so until we decided to try for a baby (I got pregnant IMMEDIATELY!) In those first few months we would share a bottle of wine every few nights. I definitely encouraged him to drink more than he normally would.

Within 2 months of Fable’s birth I was secretly drinking. Not a lot because I was breastfeeding but I would sneak half a glass of wine here and there. When she was 9 weeks and at the start of the Sumer holidays (school holidays being my biggest trigger) I took an accidental overdose. I had ordered tranquilizers online and planned to keep them for emergencies during the holidays. What. An. Idiot.

I had bought some baby formula and had it all planned out – if I needed to take a pill I would give her a bottle. It would never have worked. I was in complete denial. How on earth was I going to explain to Rob why I couldn’t breastfeed that day?? My addiction was overriding common sense but it’s voice was loud.  Somehow, the very day they arrived in the post I ended up taking them all. Every last one. I swear to god I have no memory of it and had no intention of taking an overdose. I can honestly say that my plan was to eek them out over the 7 week holiday period. Foolish a plan it may have been – that was the plan. Rob came home that evening to find Fable in her crib. Sonny locked in his bedroom and me unconscious on our bed.

It’s very difficult for me to write that. I am so utterly ashamed of my actions.

I was taken away in an ambulance. I don’t remember much about being in hospital until the following day where I started to come round and realise that I’d been sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I was in a mental hospital! A psych ward.

Without my newborn baby.

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It was fucking devastating. I was terrified. I couldn’t believe what I’d done.

Actually I’m finding this difficult to write about so I’m going to stop for now. I hadn’t intended to write about this. I was going to write that I’d woken up with quite a spring in my step despite the early mornings. I was going to write that I had a really positive therapy session and a lovely afternoon spent with a friend and her little girl.

I rained on my own damn parade and have fallen down a pit of shame.  I suppose it’s good to remind myself of how bad things can get but admitting that I was unconscious in charge of my children makes me feel sick. I wonder how on earth Rob could ever trust me again sometimes..

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3 thoughts on “Not sure where I’m going with this one..

  1. Sleep deprivation is awful. A tue depressant. My breakdown was diagnosed during a similar time. I had a premature birth and my baby was in the ICU for two months. Every day I traveled 35 minutes to the hospital to spend time with him, feed him, pump milk then back home to care for my other kids. I was exhausted. The psychiatrist put me on tranquilizers and told me it was fine to keep breastfeeding……I still can’t believe I listened to him. My baby was as drugged out as me.
    Buying pills online is so scary. I know a woman who overdosed on a pill she bought online, one recommended by the infamous Dr Death for suicide. Illegal to buy but somehow ok to order online.

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  2. it’s done now, you realised your mistake and I’m sure it won’t happen again. Your man loves you and has given you an opportunity to redeem yourself not for anyone but for yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

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