It’s been about 5 weeks since I had my last slip. This is the first time where I have included alcohol in my poison repertoire. It’s not the first time I have told other people that I have quit EVERYTHING. But to me, this is the first time where I have admitted to myself that I should never drink again. That it is a problem.
I can drink one day. A glass of wine here. A wedding, a hen party, Christmas. One day.
This had been my downfall. Until now, with every relapse and period of recovery, I have focused on the pills. The pills are what make me spiral into a suicidal mess. The pills are what make me reckless with my own safety and the safety of my children. I have continued to deny the role alcohol plays.
I have found this 5 week period of recovery the hardest yet. Normally, I find the first few weeks easy. I am often euphoric to have survived another relapse. I am remorseful. Desperate to be good and be forgiven. I say and think all the right things. I convince myself I can do it, just watch me! Then the bully pipes up with the intrusive thoughts and I am in torment again. Only I have to keep it a secret. I have to be strong and not show weakness. I need others to keep believing I am kicking ass. I don’t want them to be afraid. Or mistrustful. And so begins the slippery slope to failure.
This time I’m not faking it ’til I make it. There’s no point. Rob and I aren’t ‘back to normal’. He doesn’t want to hear the same shit. I don’t want to say the same shit. I am fully admitting that this is a daily battle. This is the first time that I have told myself
NO MORE, EVER! Not, one day.. maybe..
Most of the time it’s not about craving a drink, it’s about silencing the bully and man, this bully is relentless.
AA tomorrow. xx