No more, EVER.

It’s been about 5 weeks since I had my last slip. This is the first time where I have included alcohol in my poison repertoire. It’s not the first time I have told other people that I have quit EVERYTHING. But to me, this is the first time where I have admitted to myself that I should never drink again. That it is a problem.

I can drink one day. A glass of wine here. A wedding, a hen party, Christmas. One day.

This had been my downfall. Until now, with every relapse and period of recovery, I have focused on the pills. The pills are what make me spiral into a suicidal mess. The pills are what make me reckless with my own safety and the safety of my children. I have continued to deny the role alcohol plays.

I have found this 5 week period of recovery the hardest yet. Normally, I find the first few weeks easy. I am often euphoric to have survived another relapse. I am remorseful. Desperate to be good and be forgiven. I say and think all the right things. I convince myself I can do it, just watch me!  Then the bully pipes up with the intrusive thoughts and I am in torment again. Only I have to keep it a secret. I have to be strong and not show weakness. I need others to keep believing I am kicking ass. I don’t want them to be afraid. Or mistrustful. And so begins the slippery slope to failure.

fake-it-til-you-make-it-985x450

This time I’m not faking it ’til I make it. There’s no point. Rob and I aren’t ‘back to normal’. He doesn’t want to hear the same shit. I don’t want to say the same shit. I am fully admitting that this is a daily battle. This is the first time that I have told myself

NO MORE, EVER!   Not, one day.. maybe..

Most of the time it’s not about craving a drink, it’s about silencing the bully and man, this bully is relentless.

AA tomorrow. xx

 

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13 thoughts on “No more, EVER.

    • It’s so true. I used to drink so heavily when I was married. My in-laws didn’t blink an eyelid. As soon as pills became an issue, man!!!! My ex mother-in-law was so disgusted and judgmental. I have shared with a few ‘real life’ friends about attending AA but not been able to be so free about talking my problem with drugs. I feel I have to be extremely wary.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Biggest high-fives from Canada (currently in the Dominican though) EVER. Pat yourself on the back, you deserve it. That’s the point I had to hit just two weeks ago before I came here to rehab – every time I tried to delay a drink, not take something, wait til later, just one more – it always ended up a huge friggin mess, worse than the last time. My eyes just really tired of rolling them at myself every morning.

    Liked by 1 person

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