I was drifting off to sleep last night and I realised I hadn’t written my blog. That’s the first time in a month I missed a day. I don’t feel too bad about it though because yesterday felt like a good day.
The night before Rob and I had a talk about our situation. Earlier that day I’d been out on the bus into town, like I wrote about. I came home feeling really good. The sunshine, the few hours to myself, the music in headphones, they had all pumped me up. Then I walked in the door and it instantly changed. Rob was in a bad mood. He was vacuuming his office but things were re-arranged in the living room and I knew straight away he was pissed off that the place was over-due a clean. This is a common battle between us. I HATE vacuuming and dusting. It causes me massive anxiety. Before Rob lived with me, I could go months without doing it. I do daily laundry. I wash dishes about five times a day. I makes the beds. I cook meals and tidy away. I clear away clutter and crumbs too often to keep track but vacuuming and dusting are my downfall.
Rob is an irritable person. I mean that literally. He gets itchy. He is sensitive to certain detergents. He is allergic to cats. So when the place hasn’t been vacuumed in 2/3 weeks he gets shitty about it. You might ask ‘Why doesn’t he do it?’ (GO ON, ASK IT! I HAVE!)
Well, he works full-time. I do not. I don’t even have the argument that I have my hands full with Sonny anymore. He is adamant he is not being sexist and nor does he think it’s MY job. (He does though because it is I suppose) He just points out that we have an agreement – he works and supports us as a family. I can run a hoover over the house once a week.
So why does it fill me with murderous rage?
Anyway, I came home the other day, he was clearly pissed off and had resorted to moving bits of furniture around so I would KNOW he had dusted. My joyous mood fell away and I went into the kitchen to hide my tears. I felt like shit. Then I felt angry that he had ruined my good mood. I went from 100 to not good enough, I’m worthless, fuck you in seconds.
I could see the words co-dependant in front of my eyes but I felt too angry and upset to be rational. I got the vacuum out of did the whole house with a churning stomach. I felt bullied and sad and the usual feelings of wanting to be on my own so I couldn’t piss off/disappoint/anger anyone took over. But, I’d felt so happy just an hour before. I didn’t want to give up so easily. All this had stemmed from Rob being in a bad mood. In actual fact, Rob had stopped what he was doing once I got home and was working in his room so I wasn’t even being confronted with any evidence that he was still in a bad mood. What if he wasn’t? Why was I continuing to make myself feel terrible?
WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?
So I stopped. I stopped caring if he was in a bad mood. (Not easy) I sat down and wrote yesterday’s blog entry about my love of the theatre instead of a post bitching about housework and my relationship. And guess what? I felt so much better. I took responsibility for my own emotions. It’s not easy but I’m learning.
I want to write more about yesterday. Yesterday was a really nice day but I need to go be mummy right now. Back later xx