Oh boy! What a friggin’ day!
This morning I had a court appearance. Mmmmmm, yummy stress!
I was caught speeding last August (a few days before my breakdown/suicide attempt/hospital stay.) Not in an extreme way but unfortunately it wasn’t my first rodeo and I managed to nudge over the amount of points you’re allowed on a UK license. It’s really frustrating because it’s taken 6 months to come to court. 6 months in which I haven’t driven a car because I had to hand it over to Sonny’s dad (It was a motibility car). I pleaded guilty and got a 6 month ban and a fine. Which they are letting me pay off a small amount monthly.
Like my court appearance in November over custody, I represented myself. I’m proud of that. I used mindfulness techniques to stop myself freaking out and handled myself well.
That was actually the least stressful part of the day.
My anxiety over my home life is kicking my arse. Rob and I go from being perfectly ok in each other’s company (which is more than I can expect right now) to having the same fight about 4 times in a 24hr period. Today being one of those days.
He drove me to court which I was grateful for but because of how tense things are between us, I find being in his company makes my head want to explode. Of course, in MY ideal world I just want things to go back to normal. For there to be more kindness, more smiles, more love. I know that’s wholly unrealistic but the wall that has gone up between us feels counter-productive to my recovery. Notice I say my recovery.
It’s hard to remember it’s not all about me when you live in my head. During one ‘discussion’ today I ended up hitting my head. I wanted to punch a wall.
I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THESE FEELINGS
He didn’t storm out. I didn’t storm out. I think he might have realised I was on the edge as he just rubbed my back for 20 minutes whilst I snotted everywhere.
Then he picked me up, carried me to bed and we just held each other. He spoke slowly and calmly (like you would to a child – I NEED that) and the difference it makes! I feel like I can do anything when the request or suggestion comes from an obvious place of love.
Build me up, buttercup!
I’m such hard work. It’s hard living with me but it’s harder being me, I’m sure of it. It’s why I’ve spent so much of my adult life single.
No-ones expectations to live up to. No-one to disappoint.
Only I don’t want to give in to that. It’s rubbish. It’s self-sabotage.
Rob says he believes in me more than I believe in me. Maybe if I believed in myself more, everything would cease to feel like a battle. I’m SO tired of fighting.