Today I have applied for a job and I attended my first AA meeting.
Both HUGE things for me. I actually applied for 2 jobs. I didn’t want to. Getting me to complete the application caused a whole heap of anxiety driven arguments all weekend. I needed the push but fuck, I hate feeling like I’m being pushed. I turn into a stubborn arsehole. A bullied victim. I go round and round in circles of resentment and self-pity.
And then I quietly filled in the applications online and sent them. I felt better for it. Do I actually want the jobs? Not really. Yes and no. I haven’t had a proper job in over 12 years. The very thought of getting the job fills me with dread. I’m half hoping I don’t hear from them. I can pat myself on the back for trying and go back into hiding.
For today, it feels good. I have achieved something. I have been pro-active.
The AA meeting. Again, I didn’t want to go. Not really. But I went of my own volition. I wasn’t pushed into it, it just wasn’t something I relished doing. I was scared. Going into a room of strangers is pretty scary for most people I think?
I liked it. I wasn’t expected to speak. This was made clear to me right at the start which took the pressure right off. I sat and listened to 4 people share their stories over the hour and half. I wanted to share but I held myself back. I feel like I need to work out a few things in my head and not feel rushed into it. I related to practically everything that was said in some way or another. What humbled me most was the fact that every one of the people who shared in that meeting had failed at the start of their AA journey. It hadn’t clicked for them immediately. Whether it was their ego (I’m not as bad as THAT person/ I’m in control), or the fact that they didn’t want it (sobriety) enough. I felt shaky leaving the meeting.
All of those excuses;
I don’t drink that much
I can control it
I’ve had good times drinking
My drinking is not affecting anyone else
All things I have told myself and said out loud to Rob in recent months. Im sad to admit they still float around up there. Ultimately I know that alcohol is costing me more than just money. The problem isn’t the drink, it’s me. If I can’t live my life without trying to anesthetize myself, if I can’t deal with uncomfortable feelings then I will be never be happy.
I’m know I’m not a bad person who deserves to be happy despite what that voice in my head tries to convince me. I have to give myself a chance at it.
Just some happy, smiley faces to inspire….