Waiting for my real life to begin.

I have spent my whole life feeling as if I’m waiting for it to really start. I need to stop that. I thought at 30, things would come together. Then, 40. Well, getting to 40 is still a thing for me. Will I make it? If I make it, will life begin, like they say it does

It occurred to me yesterday that it’s 2017. 2007 was the start of a number of really awful years. 2007 was a bad one. It was the year I lost to painkillers. It was the year I gave up and now it’s TEN WHOLE YEARS later and I’m still dealing with this shit!

It hasn’t been all bad. I have had some beautiful moments, especially in the last 3 years. I have fallen in love. I have had another child. My kids make me proud all the time but I need to stop waiting for something to magically change in me and GET ON IT!

I wanted a drink badly yesterday. I didn’t have one but I didn’t feel virtuous or strong for not giving in. I felt pissed off and resentful. It was only when I woke this morning that I felt glad. I need to work on that. I still feel that if I was alone in this world and no-one was relying on me that I would drink and take drugs. I know I need to want to be sober for myself, not for other people and I’m not quite there. Until I am, I know I’m just heading for another relapse.  I need to work on why I don’t love myself enough to look after myself. Why I get a kick out of poisoning my own body. (And boy, I do get a kick out it!)

I have this verse from the song above, tattooed on my back.

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened 
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon 
And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane 
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again

I also have this tattooed on me:

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.

(Well, actually I have “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love to love and be loved in return.” I was high when I wrote it down for the tattooist. I know, I know!)

I am good at the loving part. I have so much love to give. It’s the being loved in return part I need help with. I know that begins with loving myself. I just can’t imagine how it feels to truly love oneself. I think I’m a good person. I’m ok. But lovable?


How did you learn to love yourself?


6 thoughts on “Waiting for my real life to begin.

  1. I am still learning! I come from a background where my self talk has been very negative. Even now I think that I am not loveable as I am but perhaps in the future when I am skinnier, healthier, prettier, richer……. Listening, and reading a lot of books by authors such as Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie and others has helped me see that living in the moment, accepting things as they are RIGHT NOW is the only truth. I still need to learn the love myself bit but am getting there slowly.
    I found with the drinking that the first six weeks was the hardest. I had a certain time of the day that was my usual wine time. I found that time unbearably hard. So I started walking at that time of night. It helped distract me. By the time I got home I had mostly overcome the strong urge to drink. Now at three months I no longer have any cravings for wine. I have established a good nightly routine and am very protective of it! I sit and paint, drink herbal tea and listen to Audible. I wouldn’t want to go back to my unconscious evenings of wine, pass out, wake up at 2 with a hangover……..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is topic very dear to me!!
    Personally speaking, i think the first and most important thing to remember is that i was trying to reverse two decades of self loathing!
    I could type for hours on this topic lol,

    Where I started though was and what I found to be a good progress measurement tool. I stood completely naked and looked at myself in the mirror and staying paying myself compliments. I struggled soo bad, I couldn’t even look myself in the eye. When I tried that a few months later I realized how far I’ve come with learning to love myself

    Liked by 1 person

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