I have spent my whole life feeling as if I’m waiting for it to really start. I need to stop that. I thought at 30, things would come together. Then, 40. Well, getting to 40 is still a thing for me. Will I make it? If I make it, will life begin, like they say it does?
It occurred to me yesterday that it’s 2017. 2007 was the start of a number of really awful years. 2007 was a bad one. It was the year I lost to painkillers. It was the year I gave up and now it’s TEN WHOLE YEARS later and I’m still dealing with this shit!
It hasn’t been all bad. I have had some beautiful moments, especially in the last 3 years. I have fallen in love. I have had another child. My kids make me proud all the time but I need to stop waiting for something to magically change in me and GET ON IT!
I wanted a drink badly yesterday. I didn’t have one but I didn’t feel virtuous or strong for not giving in. I felt pissed off and resentful. It was only when I woke this morning that I felt glad. I need to work on that. I still feel that if I was alone in this world and no-one was relying on me that I would drink and take drugs. I know I need to want to be sober for myself, not for other people and I’m not quite there. Until I am, I know I’m just heading for another relapse. I need to work on why I don’t love myself enough to look after myself. Why I get a kick out of poisoning my own body. (And boy, I do get a kick out it!)
I have this verse from the song above, tattooed on my back.
When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again
I also have this tattooed on me:
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.
(Well, actually I have “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love to love and be loved in return.” I was high when I wrote it down for the tattooist. I know, I know!)
I am good at the loving part. I have so much love to give. It’s the being loved in return part I need help with. I know that begins with loving myself. I just can’t imagine how it feels to truly love oneself. I think I’m a good person. I’m ok. But lovable?
How did you learn to love yourself?