Hush now

There have been many periods of sobriety from drugs and alcohol in amongst the chaos of the last decade. I have had 2 clean pregnancies. I have had a solid four months here. Six months there. I fool myself that I am in control. I create an illusion. In actual fact these addictions are merely replaced. Shoplifting. Bulimia. Internet. Trichotillomania. Cutting.

Yesterday my therapist used a term that I have often contributed to myself. To how I feel.

Inner unrest.

I live with a constant thrumming, underlying agitation. Sometimes it’s barely perceptible, other times its loud. Going through my compulsive behaviours whether it be stealing a tub of blueberries, tweezering my body hair or scrolling through photo after photo on Instagram quietens the noise.

My therapist asked me what I want to get out of therapy. (That old chestnut!)


I want to be able to just be. I want to wake up in the morning and have a steady heartbeat. I want to take pleasure in my (lovely) life. I want to paint, run, read, write, enjoy my children and boyfriend without a sense of impending doom.

I want peace.


9 thoughts on “Hush now

  1. The second yoga sutra says that through the practice of yoga we can learn to still the internal dialogue of the mind. And find relief.

    It has happened for me. I went from a life full of inner distress and anxiety to one of stillness and peace.

    I feel your pain. I have cut, starved, excessively exercised, picked and drink my way through that feeling.

    No more.

    When it rises I breathe. I have long baths. I cry.

    But most of the time my mind is at peace.

    I believe it is a gift of sobriety and my dedication to the practice of yoga.

    There is relief.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. I read a book called The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken (I actually downloaded the audible version on Audible) and it really helped me understand myself better. I have always had an addictive personality. From being a young child and needing to collect every single thing that was popular at the time to being an adult and drinking every night. I swapped one addiction for another. In order to combat my depression I would sit on the internet staring at photos of dolls (which I collected) for HOURS. I told p people it soothed me, helped me relax. it was an addiction. I was giving my brain what it wanted. I could never give up alcohol for long because the need for a quick happiness fix would always bring me back. Knowing what I am dealing with, an addictive personality, has helped me so much. Also knowing that for a lot of people sobriety can take years in the making has helped me accept where I am.

    Liked by 1 person

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