Well, that’s done. It was just an initial assessment. I kind of hate those. You have an hour to give someone your life story broken up into ‘this trauma’ then ‘this trauma’ then this one. I’m good at giving the basic facts of each without emotion until it comes to mentioning that my brother passed away. Saying that out loud always chokes me.
I have been through many tough times. Some common, like my parent’s divorce or depression and addiction. Some not so common – becoming a parent to a special needs child or being groomed as a child. I can talk about all of those without wavering. I might need a push but I can get my words out. When it comes to talking about L, my younger brother, the words get stuck in my throat. I always start to cry. I guess its the one thing I struggle to accept and would give anything to change. All the other things are part of my life and just are what they are. L died in 2009 and it took me many years to even begin to be able to process it. I’m not sure I have accepted it.
Losing a loved one is universal. I’m not unique. People die everyday and people are left behind everyday. I don’t think I can attribute all my woes to one tragedy. I was in a mess long before L even got sick.
Anyway, lots to think about. I liked the therapist. I was honest and didn’t hold back which is a good start. I revealed all my shame. Well, as much as I could in 50 minutes. Shudder.