Distraction pieces

I consider myself an artistic person. The stage is where my heart is. Acting was my life as a teenager and it’s the one thing I can confidently say that I was really good at but once I dropped out of drama school and got pregnant with my first child, I kissed it goodbye. I told myself it was a pipe dream and I chose motherhood over an acting career. I don’t know why but I couldn’t entertain the idea of joining an adult amateur dramatics group. I was a single parent for the first 4 years anyway so I didn’t have the opportunity. I haven’t been on stage since.

Fast forward 18 years and I still haven’t found anything that I love as much as being on stage. I go through periods where I write but I get disheartened. I feel like I’m not good at it. I lose enthusiasm.

‘Why does it have to be good?’

‘Who are you comparing yourself to?’

‘Why are you writing in the first place?’

All questions that R has asked me when he notices that I haven’t written anything in weeks. I don’t know?!  For some reason, I feel like it has to be exceptional and when it isn’t,  it feels worthless.

Over the years I have flirted with photography. Weaving. Painting pottery. I was decent enough at all of them but not great. I hit a wall and give up. I stop getting any enjoyment out it so it feels like a waste of time.

My latest hobby has been watercolours. I got really into it – for a few months. But its gone the same way as all of the above. I’ve barely picked up a brush this year. I want to be better at it. I want it to be the answer to all my problems. I want to fall in love with it.

I know I’m using these pastimes as a distraction. They are all things that professionals suggest to keep you healthy and happy along with exercise and meditation. (Two other things I struggled to keep up.) Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on these activities to be the cure all? (I have begun to read Around the Writer’s Block in an effort to help work through such resistance.)

What hobbies do you have? Have you started anything whilst in recovery that has helped you? Any words of wisdom on pushing through the wall, whether it be writer’s block, lack of enthusiasm or good old insecurity?




6 thoughts on “Distraction pieces

  1. Your paintings are beautiful. I would have every single one of them hanging on my walls. I think that we go through stages. Sometimes I like to paint, other times I prefer to write. They are all related, all creative hobbies. Having space in your home for them makes it easier. I have set up an easel in my bedroom and have all my art supplies close by. If I feel like painting then it is easy to begin. Sometimes I prefer to read, again it is a creative hobby.
    When I drank every night I never did anything except stare at the TV. I went to bed every night in a coma like state. Until I woke at 2 with a hangover. So now I have so much TIME on my hands! I started walking in the early weeks of sobriety. I did that for the first ten weeks until I injured my knee and had to stop. Thankfully art saved me. If I didn’t have art I don’t know what I would have done these past few weeks. I am very critical of my work. I see all the faults. My husband will come in and praise my work only to come back an hour later and see that I have destroyed it by painting over it and ruining it in an attempt to FIX the invisible (to him) mistakes. I can accept flaws in others work but not my own! In fact some flaws make the painting seem even more beautiful to me, as long as I am the one who didn’t paint it!
    I also went to drama school. I was not very good at it. These days I prefer to watch others perform. But there are lots of opportunities to become involved in local drama groups. Have you considered doing anything like that? Again it falls in the arena of creativity. Reading, writing, art, drama, all connected.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am too scared to try performing arts again but my heart aches when I think back to how much I loved it and how it was my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be as good at anything as I was at acting. Thank you so much for your comments on my art. I’ve just discovered a ton of comments I needed to approve so hadn’t seen them. Im so happy reading them all right now. X

      Liked by 1 person

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