I’ve got a war in my mind

Days like today are dangerous. I feel restless. I want to get out of the house but I’m short on cash. I had to give up my car back in September and the bus only runs through our village every 2 hours. I can’t afford to take the bus every day and I went out yesterday. F was up at 6am. It’s now just after 1pm. I have read, drank 3 cups of tea, done some colouring in. Fed and played with the baby. My mind keeps wandering though to alcohol.


I don’t want to be drunk. I don’t want the stress of finding a new hiding place or trying to disguise the smell on my breath. I just want to ease my anxiety. I want to go through the motions which comfort me and sooth the tightness in my chest.

Leave the house. Wander the aisle. Choose a bottle. Hide bottle. My compulsions.

I don’t get smashed. A rushed swig here or a half cup there.  Daring sips which both terrify and exhilarate me. Just enough to settle the thump, thump, thump.

Or if I’m alone, I’ll pour it into an actual glass and try to feel like I’m not doing anything wrong. I don’t get drunk but I’m teetering. On my way . It may be months, more like weeks until the half glass turns into a half bottle turns into a bottle and a handful of pills.

And then I’m screwed.


I’ve told R I feel restless and want to leave the house today and he’s said thats cool, we’ll take F to the park or something and I feel such so much better. I still get to relieve that fight or flight feeling by leaving the house. Sometimes I just need to leave the house.


9 thoughts on “I’ve got a war in my mind

  1. Sounds like you’re in the boonies somewhat or at least a small town from reading a couple of your posts. Maybe going out and exploring nature could be a good outlet. Obviously not a be-all end-all solution, but you need to find things you can enjoy doing that can keep you from drinking/using. All addictions are caused by cravings in the brain to some form of trigger. You need to find different activities which produce the same feelings. I sadly had to completely hit rock bottom, had to be stripped of any liquidity, and had to have my mom drive me to and from physical therapy everyday to rehabilitate my broken leg after my alcohol and other addiction (would prefer not to disclose) got the best of me in August. I tore my ACL while in Thailand on vacation. I had just been to Seoul, and what would travel likely another 6 countries in two months while learning to teach English in Spain and my trip ending in Amsterdam. I had reached my threshold of pain. I forfeited such an incredible opportunity, and luckily the costs of my vacation, airfare, etc left me penniless, so I couldn’t use. Have only been ‘sober’ 6 months, and am not sure if I have the capacity to revert back to my old habits, but I truly hope you find a way to conquer your demons. You’re awesome and you deserve better! Thank you for sharing and hope my story can help you in some way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Walking every night helped me greatly in the first few weeks of sobriety. Like you said, it stopped the fight or flight feeling. Now I am painting. Because I can’t walk! anything to distract.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Difficult days are the ones you have to work at….keeping busy is the key …this time you must not give in…keep waging war on the very thing that threatens you and believe that you can win!! Throw everything at it ….exercise, preparing food, eating, colouring, singing, dancing around the house with F, walking, phoning friends or writing….above all tell someone….don’t hide it…remember secrets keep you sick!!! You have those around you who are part of your army….use them to help you!!!. Be strongXXX

    Liked by 1 person

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