Secrets keep you sick

Just don’t quit.

Don’t be the failure your disease wants you to be.

Secrets keep you sick.   Seriously Sober

I’m new here and haven’t blogged in many years. I had a blogger blog and a Vox blog 10-15 years ago. I’ve been seeking out recovery/sobriety blogs because that’s the main focus of mine right now and this morning I read the above 3 sentences from blogger Seriously Sober that really struck a chord. (Thanks!)

I have an addiction problem. For secrets. Having a secret soothes me. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. But SS is right. They keep me sick. I find the process of acquiring pills or alcohol eases my anxieties more than the consuming of them. The knowledge that I have them on my person or stashed away comforts me. It’s a sickness. My brain deletes the memories of come downs, crashes, hangovers, hurt, despair and convinces me that it’s in control this time. That I  can just drink a glass of wine and I believe it because, at that time it’s true. I can drink sensibly for fun. For a short time. But that one glass becomes a bottle, becomes a bottle chased with some spirits becomes otc meds becomes illegal online meds and I’m in a hole I can’t get out of. I’m driving the car on sleeping pills. I’m drinking wine at breakfast. I go from hiding a bottle of wine in the bottom of the clean washing pile and having a small glass every few evenings and being comforted in my ‘willpower’ to watching my life fall apart around me. The secrets, like a bag of snakes, become impossible to keep control of. Once again that voice inside my head tricked and cajoled me along. Why do I keep falling for it?

 

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My brain is excellent at talking me into relapse behaviours. Excellent, I tell you!  My partner can not understand why I can’t put the same amount of effort into educating myself on recovery and sobriety as I do into relapsing. All the learned behaviours and compulsions, well they’re right there aren’t they? It’s the easiest thing in the world. Keep doing what you’ve always done. I don’t know? All I know is that I have GOT to figure it out this time. If I listen to that voice in my head just one more time, I’m pretty sure it will end up killing me.

K

 

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4 thoughts on “Secrets keep you sick

  1. Compulsion is overwhelming.
    Asking an addict to stop is like asking someone with OCD hand washing to just stop washing their hands.

    They WANT to stop washing their hands…but they CANNOT stand not washing their hands. It eats at you until you comply.

    Breading the addiction cycle is hard. Doing it alone is extremely difficult. Call the AA number and ask for a ride to a meting. Take a step towards freedom

    Like

  2. During my shopping addiction the biggest thrill was pressing the Buy it now button, knowing I had spent the mortgage money to buy it. Then I would go in to overdrive, on a massive high trying to scrape money together to pay back the bank. Then the item would arrive and I would be so HIGH watching the tracking update on the computer. The postman knocking at the door was better than orgasm. Then the reality hit…..the item didn’t fulfil me, I sank in to depression with guilt and remorse. I needed another fix, this one had ended and let me down.

    Liked by 2 people

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