Just don’t quit.
Don’t be the failure your disease wants you to be.
Secrets keep you sick. Seriously Sober
I’m new here and haven’t blogged in many years. I had a blogger blog and a Vox blog 10-15 years ago. I’ve been seeking out recovery/sobriety blogs because that’s the main focus of mine right now and this morning I read the above 3 sentences from blogger Seriously Sober that really struck a chord. (Thanks!)
I have an addiction problem. For secrets. Having a secret soothes me. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. But SS is right. They keep me sick. I find the process of acquiring pills or alcohol eases my anxieties more than the consuming of them. The knowledge that I have them on my person or stashed away comforts me. It’s a sickness. My brain deletes the memories of come downs, crashes, hangovers, hurt, despair and convinces me that it’s in control this time. That I can just drink a glass of wine and I believe it because, at that time it’s true. I can drink sensibly for fun. For a short time. But that one glass becomes a bottle, becomes a bottle chased with some spirits becomes otc meds becomes illegal online meds and I’m in a hole I can’t get out of. I’m driving the car on sleeping pills. I’m drinking wine at breakfast. I go from hiding a bottle of wine in the bottom of the clean washing pile and having a small glass every few evenings and being comforted in my ‘willpower’ to watching my life fall apart around me. The secrets, like a bag of snakes, become impossible to keep control of. Once again that voice inside my head tricked and cajoled me along. Why do I keep falling for it?
My brain is excellent at talking me into relapse behaviours. Excellent, I tell you! My partner can not understand why I can’t put the same amount of effort into educating myself on recovery and sobriety as I do into relapsing. All the learned behaviours and compulsions, well they’re right there aren’t they? It’s the easiest thing in the world. Keep doing what you’ve always done. I don’t know? All I know is that I have GOT to figure it out this time. If I listen to that voice in my head just one more time, I’m pretty sure it will end up killing me.