I feel so defeated today. Yesterday was a bad one. My older kids went home and the effort of keeping up a pretence all weekend had clearly taken its toll on R. He was just so angry. He has zero faith in my ability to do this. I just cried all evening just repeating ‘I don’t know what more to do or say’. I know I have done this to him.
I am still keeping people at arm’s length. The only suggestion he could come up with that might help him at the moment is if I talk to my friends. The more I argue with him that I’m a private person, the more insistent he becomes that THAT is the problem. He may be right. Even when I had a big circle of friends, I never felt that my problems were worthy of someones time. I was more than happy to be an ear and to push some misguided advice but the stuff that hurts my heart? Nope. That’s sealed information.
I can’t cry in front of people. I mean, I can but I HATE it. It gives me hellish anxiety. In actual fact, I am a massive crier. I cry most days to varying degrees. Last night was the kind of crying where I ended up having to ice my face down and now, after a nights sleep, my eyes are puffy and sore. I have a headache and probably won’t leave the house today. My fear of crying in front of people is losing control I suppose. I am scared once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I always used to keep my tears for myself. Logically I know there’s nothing shameful about tears. I don’t see it as weakness. If I see ANYONE cry I feel enormous empathy and will always try to offer some reassurance. R cried last night and knowing that he doesn’t want me anywhere near him was difficult. It felt cold and harsh to not be able to comfort him.
My mother used to cry in the bathroom. She wore a lot of make up so it was a big deal if she cried because she’d have to fix her face afterwards. I’m not stupid. I see the connection.
I will try to reach out more and not just now, in the midst of crisis. I must maintain these friendships and feel worthy of it. God, I hope therapy will help me with this more than anything. It’s the only thing I can offer R right now that’s different to all the other things I have tried.