It’s all HAPPY HAPPY, JOY JOY here. The tension between my partner (I’ll call him R) and myself is making me jittery. It feels a lot like hate. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be around me. I’m tip-toeing around him, begging for scraps. A kind look, a reply to a question that isn’t snapped, or worse, monotone and without any feeling. Every time I leave the house I picture him walking into different rooms in our home, trying to imagine where I would stash stuff. Not knowing whether he wants to find anything or not. Every time I leave the house I think he’s picturing me buying miniatures or otc meds, squirreling them away in the bottom of my bag or downing them in public toilets.
It’s wretched right now.
My 2 older kids from my first marriage are here for the weekend. It’s only the third time they’ve been here since my big relapse and suicide attempt in August. He didn’t want them to come up. Not because he doesn’t like them but because he doesn’t want to be here himself. He doesn’t want the extra responsibility. He can’t fake being ok. It’s something that’s always frustrated and bewildered me somewhat. R is not an addict. He’s not ashamed of his feelings or his short-comings. He doesn’t need to pretend. It’s probably very healthy, his way. My way of keeping things bottled up and pasting on a smile (the show must go on!) is widely known to be a shit coping mechanism. But I’m good at it (until I’m not). Can you actually imagine telling the truth when someone asks you, ‘Are you ok?’ Horrifying!
I only see my older kids once a month though, which didn’t happen much over the summer due to me falling apart. I didn’t want to postpone this weekend and let more people down. So. Its tense. We don’t shout and scream at each other though and were both really trying at least to be decent to each other. R is a quiet man usually so I don’t think my older daughter (SC 12yrs) has noticed. Plus, she owns a smart phone so noticing shit isn’t high up on her agenda. My son (SS 10yrs) has profound special needs. He won’t notice. (I’ll talk more about my children in another post.)
Ok, I’ve showed up. Wrote for more than the minimum 10. Better get back to wiping bums/making snacks/trying to engage my bubs.)
Thanks for taking the time to read. I’ve read a few really good recovery/sobriety themed posts. If you know of any please link them for me. x